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| Jim and me in 1987 |
Here are some things to consider on both sides:
You
- You need to make sure that your symptoms are manageable before you start dating.
- Find support: Surround yourself with good friends and supportive family before you even think of starting to date. You'll need these people to help you handle rejection and also celebrate the good times. You could even practice talking about your health issues with these supporters so it won't be so difficult to tell your date when the time comes.
- You are a person with thoughts, feelings, hobbies, dreams, ambitions, and interests. You are more than your health issues.
- Are you using your chronic health issues as an excuse to avoid going on a date?
- Don't look for a person who will coddle and protect you: The best person will be caring, concerned and interested in you, but will not constantly run to "save" you or do everything for you.
- Don't settle for a particular person just because he asked you out, thinking you'll never find anyone else.
- Look for a date or potential partner who is dependable, respectful, reliable, and supportive. You could also use someone who makes you laugh through the tough times too. It all depends on your personality.
- Concentrate on what you can do, instead of what you cannot do.
- Look out for duds: These people aren't just unappealing because of surface attributes like looks, an annoying laugh, or body odor, they can be downright dangerous with their fetish for sexually assaulting or otherwise harming a person with a disability. Let your gut rule with these ominous creatures.
- Discuss your chronic health issues when you are ready: Be honest and open about them, but don't rush it. Talk about them over time to avoid information overload. And don't make it all about you. Ask your date questions about himself and how he feels also to keep the conversation balanced. Be ready to let your date know what the illness or issue is, if there's a cure, the symptoms you experience, how you cope with the problems, and any other information you feel comfortable sharing. Keep things simple and straight forward.
- If he rejects you, keeps making excuses for not calling or showing up, or avoids you, move on.
Both You and Your Date
- Communicate!: This is a huge one, folks. Be honest about health issues, problems, fears, worries, questions, concerns birth control, sexually transmitted diseases, and the like.
- Don't make assumptions: a. that he won't date you because he's an athlete and you are absolutely not athletic by any stretch of the imagination, b. that she is broken just because she has health issues or c. that either of you needs to be with someone more like yourself physically.
- Don't be afraid to dance, explore nature, or travel: There are many accessible parks, buildings and the like. If you use a wheelchair, try out wheelchair dancing. It can be great exercise and lots of fun.
- Give the person credit: Both you and your date need to give each other credit for giving this dating thing a shot under unusual circumstances.
- Be willing to make changes in plans/cancel dates: Even though it's frustrating, you will both get used to looking into the accessibility of a certain area or venue before making concrete plans to take in events and activities there. (Examples: curbs, stairs, adequate parking, elevators, rough ground, wheel chair accessible attractions and accommodations, and so on) Be ready to deal with the possibility of canceled dates as well.
- Stay away from judgmental people: Nobody needs that hassle.
- Concentrate on your similarities with the each other rather than your differences, unless those differences are so glaringly obvious and intrusive that you can't ignore them. Then, deal with them in a sensitive and responsible way to try to remedy the situation.
- Go with your gut: This is a great way to tell if you are in over your head or dating the wrong person.
- Be yourself: The more you are like yourself and comfortable in your own skin the more you are apt to attract people who are a good match.
Places to Find Potential Dates
Be cautious with any new situation, including Internet dating. If it feels right, go for it. If it does it, back away.
- Local clubs and organizations
- At events where you volunteer
- At work
- At church
- MeetUp.com
- Special Bridge
- Match.com
- OkCupid
Believe me, if you can handle chronic health issues, you can handle dating. Stick with it, have confidence in yourself, go with your gut, and have fun.
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