The Importance of Friendship--And A Thank You

A day late, but I'm here.  Today's vlog post is on the importance of friendship.  It is important to have your alone time during health crises, to think about what you need to do, to have a pity party, but you also need to recognize how important friends can be to help you through these tough times.  They love you, they care, they want to help--let them.  This post is also a thank you to those friends out there who help, support, lift up, and cheer up those of us with chronic health issues.  It is a tough job sometimes to be patient, but those of you who are and those of you who stick it out with us, Thank You!!  That is huge.  It is so important to us that you have our backs.  You are awesome.  

Do you have a story to share about when your friend was there for you during tough times healthwise?  I hope you'll let me know either by email or in the comments below.  I'd love to hear about it.  Thank you.  Take care.

Guest Blogger: Lauren (Lo) Najar

I'm pleased to welcome guest blogger, Lauren (Lo) Najar, to share her battle with cancer and how she used laughter to win that battle--twice.  

"The best thing you can do is master the chaos within you.  

You are not thrown into the fire, YOU ARE THE FIRE" – Mama Indigo

I am a cancer survivor (still sounds odd to me).  I am coming up on the five year mark (woo no more “pre-existing condition") and I couldn’t be more anxious or excited.  These anniversaries are celebrated the same, if not more, than my real birthdays.  Life began again for me on January 14th, 2013.

In May 2011, when I was 23, I was diagnosed with Stage 2 Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.  I received this news on my way to work in my car alone.  Within an hour, I was meeting with my mom’s previous oncologist, going to the clinic she once used to go through more tests.  My brother and sister met me there, who were both very upset (understandably).  My parents at this point were both deceased previously and their deaths were recent.  We couldn’t find the light at the end of the tunnel at this point.  Nothing seemed to be going right.  The only thing I wanted to do was become a hermit, answer phone calls from doctors when I had to, and the least of all was to face anyone else than my closest friends.  I couldn’t even call my family to let them know what was going on--my siblings and boyfriend did this for me.  I was the oldest in my family, and ever since my parents left, I felt the need to be in charge or to hold the house together.  My sister and I are close in age, however I still had the feeling that I needed to do this because I am the oldest.  I totally leaned on people this first weekend.  I felt so alone; no one could understand what I was going through. 

Eight months of chemo and radiation went by and I was soon in remission.  Chemo was difficult as the certain drugs gave me bad side effects, however I was able to complete it in the time table allotted.  I told my friends and family that I was free of any treatment and didn’t need anything else and we had small celebrations.  I was starting up my routine checkups and my oncologist spotted something in my lungs on one of my scans.  I was soon back going through a new round of tests as my cancer had come back.  I was sent to a new hospital, and had a new oncologist.  I was going through the same old regimen, and none of these tests were foreign to me anymore unfortunately.  My next set of treatment was going to be three rounds of chemotherapy followed by a bone marrow transplant (sounds scary right?!)  I had absolutely no idea what I was going to be going through or how these different drugs would have an effect on me.

My bone marrow transplant was the hardest part for me.  I spent three weeks in the hospital (this is a normal time frame for someone), however I was in a hospital that was not exactly local in my town.  I spent a lot of days alone as I didn’t have parents that were able to stay with me and my siblings all had jobs/school that they had to keep up as well.  Some days I wasn’t feeling well and the loneliness of it all was what I needed.  I had a lot of time to reflect and to think of what I wanted my life to be like after all is said and done.  I had an enormous support group, which some days I shut out as no one was there to answer questions for me such as “When are you coming home?,” “How are you feeling?”.  A girl can only answer those questions so many times and at times it was difficult to always keep someone in the loop.

I signed up for running races in the hospital, and planned a cancer remission party for the summer time when I was going to be healthy again.  I needed to focus on living life again.  I was so done with life being miserable, that you HAVE to make the best of it.  There isn’t an option.  Life is meant to be lived and sitting around focusing on all of the bad things in your life is the absolute worst thing you can do mentally.  I am incredibly lucky that I had such a great support group coming out of this second battle that life has been especially amazing becoming closer with friends and family.  It’s not easy making fun of your bald head, your treatments, and everything else by yourself!  (Try dancing to “I whip my hair back and forth” when you completely don’t have any…that is a good laugh J)

Everyone knows that chemo and radiation have long term effects.  On paper, I am a healthy and active 30 (!!) year old now.  I do not have any pain issues or any other issues from chemo or radiation.  However, I probably see enough doctors still to make sure that nothing is going to relapse and that all of my body parts and organs are still going to be working.  One thing that I was diagnosed with back in 2015 was Hypothyroidism.  This is the slowing of your thyroid function and likely caused by the radiation I received in 2011.  I have always been a consistent weight my entire life, even through chemotherapy.  As I was in remission, I gained ten pounds and it wasn’t because my lifestyle changed drastically or my eating habits.  I tried to up my workout regimen and started focusing more on my eating and I just wasn’t losing any weight.  This was caused by my thyroid no longer working as well as it did and it was more than 3 times the amount it should be at.  My heaviest was at 30+ pounds of my normal weight as well as my blood pressure increasing and my cholesterol was high.  With focusing more on what I eat and working out consistently as well as getting my thyroid medicine regulated, I am losing weight, but slowly.  I was never a person to worry about weight or body image, however because of this I am very self-conscious now because of the new weight gain.

The best advice that I can give from this is you need to learn to live with it.  I will not be as thin as I was before, and that is okay.  Am I healthy now?  Essentially yes.  Can I eat whatever I want like before?  No, but that is a good thing.  I need to eat better and I need to find foods that work better for my body.  I know my body now more than ever and I love how much I have learned about it.  I am thankful for this experience and now for this chronic side effect because it makes me truly watch what I eat.  I am getting older as well, and for everything that my body has endured thus far, I really need to focus on prolonging life and making sure I am trying to be as healthy as I can be (I do love chicken wings though).

There is something to be said about when life gets tough; you need to laugh.  You need to find the humor in how SILLY it is that these bad things happen.  How are these things happening to me?  You can’t dwell on it and try to make jokes either about yourself or the situation.  I did both and there was just nothing that I could have done.  All you can do is laugh and live through life! 

____

I am Lauren (Lo) Najar and I live in Chicago, IL.  I am an active person--I enjoy running races, yoga and any kind of healthy activity.  I am the founder of Laugh Always.  Laugh Always was created to inspire others on their personal journeys and to bring a community together to share their inspiration from all walks of life.

Social media links -
laughalways.net
Instagram.com/laughalwayswithlo

Facebook.com/laughalwayswithlo

Practice Self-Acceptance

Self-acceptance is very important.  I didn't realize how much so until I was an adult.  I had never accepted myself fully throughout childhood.  I had never fully accepted my life with spina bifida and the health issues that came with it.  I got good at self-care, but that didn't mean I had made my peace with it.  I hated it.  I was very self-conscious, shy, and insecure.  I didn't appreciate the fact that being unique was a good thing.  I didn't appreciate my talents and strengths. 

Self-Acceptance

So, how can you practice self-acceptance, you may be asking.  Here are some of the ways:

• Avoid judging or criticizing yourself.  Be as good as you can be.  Everyone makes mistakes.  Don't beat yourself up about it.  
• Be your own friend.  Remember that your friends wouldn't say hurtful things to you, so neither should you.
• Accept your body as it is.  This doesn't mean to let yourself go, but to accept what is, and not freak out or punish yourself for not being "perfect." Flaws are inevitable.  Work on improving yourself over time without judgment. 
• Live a healthy lifestyle.  Eat properly, exercise regularly, and get plenty of sleep.  Your body knows what it needs.  Listen to it.
• Do what makes you laugh.  Do what makes your heart sing.  Wear what you want.  Wear your hair the way you want.  Be your best self.  Be someone you'd love to hang out with, because, let's face it, you are who you hang out with ALL the time.
• Make a point to challenge feelings of self-blame, -doubt, and -shame.  
• Celebrate your strengths, talents, abilities, and uniqueness.
• Take notice of the types of people you hang out with.  Are these healthy relationships?  Are these people good to you?  Do they have your back?  Or are they always finding fault or trying to drag you into activities you don't feel comfortable doing?
• Surround yourself with positive people.  Get yourself a strong support system you can rely on.  Stick with people who believe in you.
• Forgive yourself.  Everyone makes mistakes.  Mourn those mistakes and move on.
• Tell that inner critic to hit the road.  It doesn't serve you in the least to listen to that negative voice.  It's not wise.  It's not protecting you.  It's only helping to kill your self-acceptance.  Ditch it.
• Let go of those things; those circumstances you can't control and concentrate on those that you can control.

Do you do any of these things?  I do, yes.  Some.  Do you accept yourself as you are?  Yes, I do, now, I'm happy to say.  Of course, everyone has their off days, but make a point to practice self-acceptance every day and you'll find it easier as time passes.  

Can you think of anything else that I've missed?  Let me know in the comments.  Have a great weekend!  

A Good Friend Is a Connection To Life

Spouses, children, parents, grandparents, siblings--that's who we usually concentrate on, but it's our friendships that are the most connected to our well-being.  We are never happier than when we are with our friends, according to research.

Friends:  Keeping Us Present and Healthy;  Keeping Us Sane in an Insane World

Friendships offer a massive number of benefits including:

• Mood boosting:  Friends are often sources of fun and laughter.
• Accountability:  You usually share your plans with your friends, whether it is to find a new job, lose weight, or go back to school. Friends help you to stick to it by checking in with you periodically for the latest updates on your progress.
• Stress reduction:  Friends allow you to feel less lonely which helps shore up your immune system and keep you healthier.  Being able to vent to a friend is a great stress reducer.
• Support through hard times:  Whether it's a shoulder to cry on, babysitting while you go job hunting, or providing you a place to stay if your spouse kicks you out of the house, friends are there during some of your toughest times.
• Support going over that hill:  Friends often provide companionship, resources, transportation, someone to celebrate victories with, and someone to commiserate with through loss of loved ones, retirement, and health issues.  They keep you going strong. 
• Helping you feel needed:  Friends help each other all the time and that feels great!  Having a purpose in life and feeling needed boosts the spirits.
• Offering guidance:  Friends are a great source of knowledge and resources when you're faced with perplexing questions and aren't quite sure what to do.  Whether it's finding an attorney, or plumber, or medical services, friends can serve as a wellspring of information.
• Making you feel as if you fit in:  Friends are a great source of confidence.  You can be silly, frightened, sad, philosophical, angry, elated, and okay, yes, stupid with them and it's okay!  You can be yourself.  It's all okay. They have your back.

Friends:  Ties to the Past

While some people feel you should leave the past in the past, including old friends, there are benefits to keeping in touch with such friends.  Here are some of many:

• Acceptance:  Old friends accept you as you are.  That can help you immensely when you face rejection of some kind.  
• Hope:  Old friends give you hope that everything will be all right.  They know you and remind you of what is important to you, to help keep you grounded.
• Reminders:  Old friends can boost your mood during troubling times by reminding you of the good ol' days.  They can help you forget your troubles even for a little while.
• Crisis management:  Old friends remember the worst of times, and how strong you were through it all.  They remind you during a crisis that you are tough, and that you have the strength to conquer any obstacle.
• Shared history/milestones:  You've gone through a lot with old friends.  Hijinx, learning to drive, your first car, first dates, first kisses, teen angst, pulling all-nighters to study for exams in college, making the team, being cut from the team, first jobs, long talks that lasted into the night, moves, promotions, missed promotions, illnesses, marriages, children, lost jobs, divorces, deaths, insecurities, and more.  It helps to have those people in your life who really know you, and understand where you're coming from.  You can laugh with them; they make you smile.  You feel at ease with them.  They can relate to you.  They "get" you. 
• Memories:  Old friends help keep memories alive.  They knew your parents, a favorite uncle, the story of a wild road trip.  They will sit with you to relive those memories, laughing and crying along with you over the old days.  They may even arrange for a literal trip down memory lane in the form of a road trip back in time.  That's something your current and more recent friends just can't do for you, by no fault of their own.
• Talking about anything:  You can talk to old friends about anything.  You know each other so well, you can finish each others' sentences.  There are no secrets.  There is nothing to hide.  You are accepted fully and unconditionally.

Friends:  A Road to the Future

Friends are a significant part of your life.  Their influence on you is so strong that it can affect the life you lead in the future.  Here's how:

• Thoughts and feelings:  Friends can have a tremendous influence over how you think and feel about yourself.  If you friends have confidence in your abilities and see you as a strong, intelligent person who can do anything she sets her mind to, then, over time, that tends to rub off on you and you adopt those views yourself.  It is a wonderful feeling to discover friends who truly believe in you.  There's nothing like it.
• Behavior and choices:  Friends can also influence your taste in books, music, art, movies, clothes, and hairstyles, as well as choices of a larger significance such as whether to spend freely on vacations, electronics, and cars, invest your money in ways that could garner a healthy return or involve a high risk, or save a majority of if for an emergency.  They also could have a hand in how you spend your time (sitting around watching TV, partying, volunteering, being self-absorbed, investing in your education, or hanging out in a dream world), the pets you have, whether or not you decide to have children or get married, and your views on social issues. 
• Future friends:   You may have a hard time trusting friends in the future if your past or current friends abused or deceived you.  You may shy away from sharing too much of yourself.  On the other hand, if you experienced love, kindness, and support from those friends, you may feel comfortable opening up to future friends.
• Health:  Socialization is good for you.  Good friends help you live a long and healthy life, according to research.  They tend to relieve stress, which may help you reap many health benefits.

Important Qualities in a Friend

• Genuineness
• Accepting
• A good listener
• Comfortable sharing and receiving deeply personal information
• Causes a warm, comfortable feeling after time spent with them; it was time well-spent
• Makes you feel like you can be yourself with them, say what you really feel
• Makes you feel safe
• Supportive and respectful
• Trustworthy
• Makes you feel like you can tell them anything, even private thoughts and feelings, and it will be held in confidence

Making New Friends

Whether you are new in town, shy, or just looking to add a friend or two, there are many ways to find new friends.  Here are some tips:

• Look around you:  Opportunities for friendships are everywhere.  You could simply say hi to someone with a friendly face while standing in the check-out line at the grocery store, meet while volunteering at a local sporting event, or strike up a conversation with someone in the break room at work. The possibilities are endless.  Be open to people, and you'll find friends.
• Be genuine:  People can tell a phony, so if you want to make friends I'd suggest being real instead.  Show people who you really are and you'll never have to wonder if you're attracting the right kinds of friends.  
• Volunteer:  I mentioned this above, but it bears repeating.  Volunteering is a fantastic way to meet new friends.  You already have one thing in common--volunteering.  Visit with other volunteers to find out what other interests you may share.
• Take a class or workshop:  Again, you'll start out with at least one thing in common with a classroom full of people.  Seek out opportunities before and after class, or during break times, to talk with fellow classmates and see if you click.  

Online Friends

There's no doubt that it is exciting to talk with people from all over the world via the Internet.  I remember the first time I got an instant message from an old friend.  I was over the moon that we could keep in touch across the miles so easily and so fast.  It does come in handy in a world where people seem to be constantly moving around instead of staying in their hometowns like they generally used to.    

But there is a downside to being friends across the miles.  Despite FaceTime, Skype, and the countless social media platforms available, the personal, face to face connection is missing.  You may be able to send your friend a "hug" emoji, but you can't hug them in person.  Touch is a very important part of the connection between friends.  You may be able to celebrate a birthday via Skype, but it's just not the same as being there.  You can write about what's going on in each other's lives via email and messaging, you can send videos and pictures, but your friends can't truly relate to what's going on in your world if they never experience it themselves in person.  So, it's important to make time for in-person contact as much as possible.   

Don't let online contact replace in-person contact.  Make an effort to visit your friends even once or twice a year if you live a considerable distance apart; more often if you live closer.  Meet for coffee, go out to a movie, go for walks, go shopping, play tennis--whatever you enjoy doing together.  Talk on the phone, Skype, or get on FaceTime between in-person visits to help shore up the feelings of closeness and familiarity.  Messaging and email will help too.  Friendships are vital to our well-being and they deserve attention.  It takes an effort to make them work, but they are worth it.  

Where did you meet your best friends?  Are you still in touch with childhood friends?  What benefits have you received from your friendships over the years?  I'd love to hear from you on this.