Stepping Away From Your Life

It's great if you can make the life you're living positive and doable.  You like your job, your house, your family, your friends, your spouse or partner--it's all good.  Nothing's perfect, but it's good.  You're happy and contented.  Wonderful!

But what if you are living alone in a small town and want to travel the world?  Or, you're tired of living in a loveless marriage but you have no idea how to live on your own?  Or, you have grown up surrounded by wealth, servants, wanting for nothing-- except a normal life with a normal house, and chores and real friends who don't just like you because you have a lot of money?  Or, you and your spouse have dreams of quitting your jobs in the city and moving the family to a remote outpost to become self-sufficient? 

What if you've tried everything and life still leaves you feeling flat and miserable?  What then?  How would you be able to change it?  What steps would you need to take to prepare for this change?

You must plan ahead. Do not make rash decisions.  As much as you would like to change your life RIGHT NOW, it will not happen.  You need to figure some stuff out first:

• Do you really, really want to leave?  Is the situation so bad that it can't be fixed by discussion, changing attitudes, moving to a different house in the area, letting go of a toxic friend, changing jobs locally, getting involved in the community, meeting new people locally, counseling, and other means of resolution?  Or, is your heart set on this awesome, beautiful, amazing chance to live and work on the other side of the world; do you ache to study art in Paris; does your heart sing when you think moving from a small town to the big city or vice versa to experience a whole new way of life and culture--a new you?  If the answer is yes, then, consider:

• How will you tell your family and friends?  Your wants, needs, desires, and dreams, may not be remotely the same as those of your family and friends.  How do you tell those closest to you that you've decided to totally change your life, move away, and go on this amazing adventure?  Well, remember, this is your life.  You can do anything you set your mind to.  As long as you think it out and don't do something illegal or totally irresponsible, you're good.  You can do this.  You're an adult.  It's your decision.  But, if you expect the spouse and the kids to come along with you on this magical mystery adventure of yours, you'd better get ready to explain it and make it look really good.  REALLY good.  Be ready to answer the difficult questions:  Why should we uproot the family to do this?  How will we make a living?  What about the kids' schooling; their friends, our friends, our families?  On and on.  

• Can you make it on your own?  If you're planning to divorce, are you willing or able to do the things your spouse currently does for you and the family?  Do you get jumpy while in the house alone or do you love being alone?  Where will you live?  If you have health/mobility issues, do you need modified accommodations (wheel chair accessible, no stairs, modified counters/appliances and the like)?  Will you know what to do when an appliance, car or other machinery breaks down?  Where will you work?  What jobs are available in the new area?  Are you comfortable doing your taxes or paying someone else to do them?  What health care services are available in the area you want to move to?  Are they adequate?  Can you drive?  What's the public transportation system like where you want to move to?  What other services are provided in the new location?  If you move your family into the wilds, are you willing to hunt/gather and prepare your own food?   Do you know anyone who can help you settle into the new area?  Are you willing and able to be self-sufficient, or are you comfortable getting out and about to meet new people and developing a strong support system?  Are you prepared to trade the "good life" for a life you think will be better?  Are you willing to trade what is not so great, but it's okay-- it's routine and what you've always known--for the unknown that you think will be so much better?

• How will you pay for this major change?  Unless you have a lot of money of your own stashed away, you will have to save up for any big adventure.  That's what it is.  It's an adventure--whether the journey you're undertaking turns out good or bad--and you need to be prepared to support yourself, and any dependents who join you.  If you have health issues, you definitely have to look into the availability of jobs that fit your abilities and health maintenance schedule, financial assistance, and health insurance options.

• What legal stuff do you need to know?  If you're planning on leaving a spouse, make sure that you get legal counsel.  Find out what the laws are specific to where you live regarding asset division, child custody, spousal support and any other matters specific to your situation. Review your assets, debts, and whose name they're in.  Know what assets you have and the laws regarding division of those assets.  What are the laws in the cities, states, or countries you plan to move to?  What seems totally reasonable to the locals may seem outrageous, or at least weird, to you.  

• What else do you need to make this new life happen?  If you're moving across the state, the country, the world; if you're moving from the city to the country, the country to the city; if you're moving from a penthouse in New York City to a hut in Africa, you need to figure out what you can and cannot bring with you; what you do and do not need.  Have a huge clear out, getting rid of anything you don't need or want to take with you. And ask yourself, Can I actually live in this new place safely, affordably, and happily long-term?

Change is good, but make sure you think things out before going through with it.  Make sure it really is something you want and need to do.  Whether it is a positive move or not, you will experience bumps in the road.  Know you can handle them, and enjoy the ride.

Please note, this post wasn't written with abuse/neglect in mind.  If you are in a violent relationship, seek help immediately to get out of that relationship from trusted friends and family, local agencies and authorities.  

Good luck.

Making Choices: It's Been Awhile, but I'm Back

Whoa!  It's been awhile since I've posted here.  It's been a trying, confusing, exciting, and rewarding couple of years.  Here's what happened, in a nutshell.
---- Do you get the feeling that you've hit on something really special?  You've finally found your calling?  But then, life happens?  That calling comes and you're raring to go and then---boom!  One thing after another comes along and delays that jump full force into this project, this thing, this life that you have been waiting for.  I spent two years consumed with other things, not blogging or coaching.  There were times when I longed to blog, but as I got further and further away from it, it was harder to get back to it.  Now I wish I had documented the events of those two years.  It would have been fun and also educational to look back on them.  It was a time of growth and adventure that I won't forget.

In August of 2015, our high school exchange student, Naja, arrived from Denmark to stay with us for the 2015-16 school year.  At first, I made time for blogging.  One post in early August of that year, then another in early September.  Then...nothing.  I made a conscious choice to concentrate on our exchange year experience, not on business or blogging.  I wanted to dive in and fully experience those 10 months, not be absent.  Live it, breathe it, feel it deeply.  Every part of it.

I understand where people are coming from when they are torn.  I love writing.  I love life coaching.  My business had already been put on the back burner shortly after getting my life coach certification the previous year when my mother came to stay with us for a bit.  She had had a stroke at the beginning of 2014 and could no longer live alone.  She lived with my sister at the time, but that sister needed to have surgery.  She asked if we (my husband and me) could take care of Mom for a couple of months while she recovered, which we did.  Although it was heartbreaking to see the changes the stroke had caused in Mom, we had a lot of fun during her visit:  reminiscing, going out for ice cream, hiking, playing games, and painting.

But we went ahead with hosting Naja.  We needed to go for what felt right in our guts, and this felt right.  

I dove into the role of host parent.  I drove Naja to and from school daily, braved the throngs of teen drivers navigating the streets near the school, and thanked my lucky stars each time I arrived home in one piece.  I have never been particularly fond of driving, but it was a whole different ball game with a 16-year-old riding with me.  That bumped up the pressure of responsibility just a tad.  It was one thing to drive myself around, but to be responsible for a teen, besides; someone else's child?  Yow!  Her parents had consented to allow their daughter to travel across the world to live with us, trusting us to keep her safe and well for 10 months.  I nearly broke out in hives the first day of school. 

Life seemed to go 110 miles an hour once Naja joined us and settled in.  We took her to many of the parks and sites in Utah, where we live, and the surrounding area.  She made lots of amazing friends, so there were often other teens coming and going, or we were driving her to a friend's house or school event.  It was: go, go, go for 10 months.  We had a blast!  

Then, it was over.  Her parents came in May of 2016 and stayed with us for 10 days.  We had so much fun.  They are lovely people and the time went so fast.  We didn't want it to end.  But it was time.  When we waved goodbye to them at the airport, we didn't quite know what to do.  We stood in the terminal kind of shell shocked for a bit. The fact that the year was over brought on both feelings of sadness and, admittedly, relief.  Naja was fantastic.  She was intelligent, witty, sweet, never got into trouble--no problem.  But we don't have children of our own, so when Naja arrived we were instantly responsible for a teen.  We didn't have 16 years to get ready for this exciting and challenging time in her life, as parents who raise a child from birth do.  So we were in a whole different world and learning as we went along.  It was very challenging and stressful at times.  So when she left there was that relief of not having the huge responsibility for her.  That said, it also was one of the most rewarding, exciting, and fun experiences we've had.

Before Naja left, I had all sorts of plans of what to do when the exchange year was over.  I was going to start my coaching business, join a local book club as well as a social club, write for online publications, volunteer all over the community, blog, and so on.  But I hadn't realized how tired I was.  Instead of jumping into all these activities, I slept.  And slept, and slept.  And when I was awake I just kind of went about daily chores as if on auto pilot.  Life was so different!  The house felt empty and was so quiet.  

I lost feeling for all things.  A wall went up around me.  I had a feeling of total disorganization and ineptitude that left me seemingly frozen in place.  I couldn't seem to get myself out of this funk.  For someone who had always prided herself on being organized, I was a mess.  I didn't know which end was up, I didn't know what to do.  I couldn't seem to get enthused about anything that I had, not that long before, been excited about.  I didn't join any clubs, I didn't exercise much, I didn't volunteer, I didn't write, I didn't coach.  It was bizarre.

It didn't help matters that I had bouts with sickness (colds, flu), foot, knee and shoulder trouble (old injuries that came back to haunt me), and as a result, weight gain.  I also had more time to think about Mom once Naja left.  She was so different after the stroke.  She still had that beautiful smile and positive attitude, but part of the old Mom was gone.  She couldn't do a lot of the things she used to love to do:  garden, read, hike.  She was always very active.  Seriously, she could out-walk anyone half her age, even in her 80s.  And we used to talk for hours on the phone, whereas 5- to 10-minute calls were now the norm.  I sort of felt abandoned and lost without my mom.  

I've worked through these feelings and problems.  I've done a lot of thinking; looking inside. I've done a lot of reading on the topic of parent illness, dementia, getting organized, life change, and parent loss.  I've gained comfort from my husband and dear friends.  It still frustrates me at times, but I know that I'm stronger for these experiences.

And now, I'm back.  I'm looking forward to blogging again on a regular basis--I'm planning on blogging once a week to start.  

Have you had to put something on the back burner that you were excited about to do something else that was important as well?  Comment below, or send me an email at amy@acnlifecoach.com.  I'd love to hear from you. 

Time Management

Do you find that you don't have enough time for the things you like to do?  Then take a gander at 168 Hours--You Have More Time Than You Think by Laura Vanderkam.  In it, you'll find all sorts of tips to save time and do the things you really want to do.  There are real-life examples throughout.  We each have 168 hours in each week, so even if we work 50 or 60 hours, we still have 108 to 118 hours during the week to do other things  Make sure to set aside time within those remaining hours to do the things you enjoy doing.  

Here are tips, some of which are based on the information in Vanderkam's book:

1.  Look at how you spend your time:  Keep a time diary for a week or two to see how you spend your time.  Do you find that you spend a lot of time watching TV and surfing the Internet?  My husband and I have been watching a lot of DVDs lately of old sitcoms from the 60s and 70s.  We also spend a lot of time online.  Although that's fun and can be relaxing, there's no reason to sacrifice other activities that would potentially bring more joy by spending countless hours staring at a screen.  Cut that time down drastically to find the room in your life for the things that have been sitting on the back burner for weeks, months, or even years.  For us, that has been to start a game night.  We get together once a month to play party/board games with friends.  It has added an important and fun social element to our lives.

2.  Decide what you want to do:  What would you really, really, really like to do?  Choose two or three and set out to find  ways to fit them into your schedule.  Maybe you'd like to spend more time with your children, or take a pottery class, or exercise.  Go for it!  Get out there and do it.  As Vanderkam notes, that last one is a must.  Fit exercise into your schedule so you increase your endurance, you feel better, and you have more energy to take on all the tasks of your day.  I'm exercising more often these days.  I notice a big improvement in my mood on the days I exercise versus the days I don't.  My husband and I are also taking more time to spend with our pets.  We have six cats and a parrot.  We spent a good share of our free time volunteering at animal shelters over the last several years.  While that is important and we loved it, we realized that we weren't spending enough time with our own adopted pets at home.  So we reduced our volunteer time drastically.  Now we only occasionally volunteer.  We hope that when we retire we'll be in good health and able to volunteer somewhere ever day.  That's quite a few years down the road yet, but something we're looking forward to.

3.  Decide what you don't want to do:  We spend a lot of time doing things we think we should do.  Delete 'should' from your vocabulary.  Are you tired of housework?  Do you cringe everytime you're asked to serve on yet another committee?  Are there friends or family members you would rather not see as often?  It's okay to back off.  Listen to yourself and find out what changes you would like to make, then go about making them.  Learn to say 'no' more often, so you have the energy to do the things and spend time with the people that make your heart sing.  I admit I don't spend as much time on household chores as I used to.  When my husband is at work, I work at home.  When he comes home, I spend time with him.  That's also when I tend to do chores too--after work.  Just because I'm home during the day, doesn't mean it's chore time.  It's work time, like it would be for anyone who works outside the home.  

4.  Unclutter your life:  By this I mean, go through and get rid of things in your life that you don't need.  Clutter can dampen your spirits, keep you bogged down, and potentially kill your motivation.  So, this project is a good one to do during the times you used to watch TV and spend glued to the Internet.  Go through your home and get rid of anything you don't use, want, or need anymore.  If you haven't worn something in a year, most likely you won't ever wear it again.  Give it away or pitch it.  Have you saved all your school work, or souvenirs from trips?  It's time to thin them out.  Are you afraid to get rid of anything anyone has ever given you just because it might hurt their feelings?  It's your stuff now; it's up to you what you do with it.  Get a box and go through these things, only keeping the items you truly enjoy and use.  When you're done going through your home, hit your office.  Do you absolutely need every piece of paper, every report, every statement, every knickknack, every email message, every document on your computer, every sticky note, every manual, or every freebie from conferences that fills your work space?  I'm guessing , no.    Spend some time before your work day starts or during your breaks to sort through some of these things.  I'm not saying you should get rid of everything.  Keep the things that are dear to you or that you really need, of course.  Just get rid of the clutter.  

All these things will help save time in the end.  Give them a try and see if they work for you.  I'd love to hear how you decide to make time for what's important to you.  Contact me at amy@acnlifecoach.com or post a message here.  Also feel free to visit my website at www.acnlifecoach.com.  Take care.