Be the Victor, Not the Victim

When it comes to your health issues, are you a victor or a victim?  Take a look at the characteristics below and decide which one you most identify with.


Characteristics of a Victim

• The world is against me
• Any challenge is an unsurmountable obstacle
• I blame others for my failures
• I have a negative attitude
• I make excuses
• I am pessimistic
• I see only closed doors
• I give up quickly if I don't succeed

Characteristics of a Victor

• I can be of service to the world
• I consider an obstacle an opportunity
• I am responsible for my successes and failures
• I have a positive attitude
• I see only open doors
• I am optimistic
• I don't give up until I succeed

Me:  A Bit of Both, and Working To Improve

As a very young child, I started learning self-care.  I also watched doctors and nurses carefully as they performed health maintenance and various procedures.  I learned all I could about the medical world as it pertained to me.  That part was pretty cool.  It helped lessen my fear of those surroundings that were a regular part of my life.  The part that wasn't so cool was that my parents tended to shelter me, so:

• I can't do anything for myself (other than medical stuff, of course--that I knew)
• I can't get involved with family activities because I might get hurt
• I can't participate in gym class because I might get hurt, look foolish
• I can't go play with other kids because I don't fit in, I'm too slow

My anger grew as I got a little older.  I hated having health issues, being stared at, being pitied, being different, being limited, being afraid to do things on my own, my parents' coddling, not hanging out with my peers, but I was a good girl so I never let anyone see that side of me.  I kept it inside.  When I hit my teens, things changed.  All that bottled up anger came flooding out:

• I resent my family
• I resent the world
• I resent my peers for being healthy
• I resent myself for being different, broken
• I can't get involved in community
• I can't learn to drive because I might get into an accident
• I can't get involved in school activities because I don't fit in, I'm not good enough
• I can't make really close friends because I "need" to keep so much of myself private
• I will never have a boyfriend because I'm broken, too different, ugly
• I resent myself for thinking all of these things but I can't help it

Luckily, things started turning around when I was about 15.  Otherwise, I am convinced I wouldn't be here.  I was deeply troubled and something had to give.  Someone would have to intervene and help me, or I would be dead.  Someone intervened.  It totally changed my life.

• I joined school clubs
• I volunteered at school and in the community
• I made friends
• Fell in love
• I traveled without my parents
• I went to school dances, including the prom
• I went to school dressed as a Smurf for Halloween (I kid you not.  I would never have even thought of doing such a thing before.)
• I got more involved at home, doing more chores on the family farm
• I went for walks and participated in other activities with my family

Since then there have been ups and downs.  

• Indecision regarding college studies.  (I'm just now figuring out what I really want and love to do) 
• Insecurities about abilities related to work
• Some pretty cool jobs, and the realization that I prefer working from home.  Not to avoid work, but to enhance it.  Make it work for me.
• Marriage
• More travel
• More volunteering
• More friends
• A couple major moves to other parts of the country 
• Old and new health issues to deal with

But basically, things are going well.

How to Be a Victor

• Remember that any change begins with you
• Have healthy conversations with family and friends about issues that are bothering you
• Pick one thing in your life that you will start to react differently, more positively, to
• Put visual reminders up around your home or in your car to help you think more positively
• Learn to say "I'm sorry," or "I'm wrong," --and mean it--when you mess up
• Say "I can" or "I will"
• Contact local organizations to see if they would be interested in scheduling you to speak at one of their meetings or other events on a subject related to your health issues (advocacy, awareness)
• Make a list of things you would love to try, then set out to do them  (a new hobby, vacation destination, sport, activity, class, social club, or maybe living on your own)
• Surround yourself with positive people who believe in your abilities
• Talk to your doctor about any questions or concerns you have

As you begin to change your mindset from victim to victor, you will experience ups and downs, but keep at it.  It takes time to adopt the attitude of a victor, but you'll get there.  Step by step, you'll make the changes necessary to live a happier, more positive life.

So, do you identify more with the victor or the victim?  If you exhibit more victim-like characteristics, what can you do to make a more positive shift?  

  

Do We Create Our Own Reality?

Do we create our own reality?  I've been thinking about this lately, so I went digging for some information on the topic.  What I found was a mix of "thoughts become things," and "we participate in creating our reality, but we don't have the power to make things happen just because we're thinking in a certain way."  Just because we are thinking negative thoughts, doesn't mean we caused our plane to crash.  Similarly, just because we are thinking positively, doesn't mean that our life will be perfect.  There are other forces involved.  Other people may block our progress, make us angry, lead us down a questionable path, bring us laughter to change our mood for the better, and so on.  We have no control over what others do, and what they do may influence what happens to us.  We also can't control environmental forces.  We may have this awesome outdoor wedding planned, but it could very well be flooded out by a summer monsoon.

What we do have control over is our reaction to what happens to us.  Our attitude is everything.  Rather than avoiding or denying things in life that don't set well with us, we meet them head on, accept them for what they are, and remain empathetic and compassionate toward ourselves through the difficult process.

To me, our attitude colors our perception of what reality is.  Positive thoughts can cause positive actions, just as negative thoughts can cause negative actions.  If we are positive and take on challenges with a can-do attitude, I think that affects our reality, making it better.  If our attitude is negative then we will perceive a negative reality.  And that affects outcomes.  Say you are walking along, thinking of a concert you'll be attending on the weekend; it brings positive thoughts that result in you humming the tunes you'll hear at the concert, smiling at everyone you meet, holding doors open for people, and the like.  On the other hand, if you are thinking negative thoughts about a fender bender you were involved in, getting madder and madder by the second at the incompetence of the  driver who rammed into your car, then as you walk along that same street you might very well scowl at people and slam doors in their faces. 

I spent a lot of time in an alternative reality when I was growing up--my daydream world.  Without it, I don't think I would have been able to deal nearly as well with the reality of my health issues, surgeries,  and people staring at me and teasing me.  Yes, the health issues were my reality.  I couldn't change that.  But the daydreams helped me figure stuff out, have practice dialogue with a doctor about a question had, deal with health issues, solve problems in a safe, fun environment, or just chill out and have fun with my imaginary friends, laughing, being confident and successful, and imagining myself healthy.  I was in charge of my fantasies, so I was in charge of how it helped shaped my reality.  So I did make my own reality by the way I acted and handled crises, and the fantasies helped me de-stress and learn to cope healthily with my chronic health issues.  

What is your take on this subject?  Do you feel as if you create your own reality, or are other forces at work?  Have you ever had a daydream world you escaped to now and then to help you cope with health issues?  I'd love to hear your thoughts.