Vlog: What If You Skipped Christmas?

Have you ever thought about skipping Christmas?  Skip the hubbub?  What would be your reasons for skipping it?  What would you do instead?  Regroup?  Do some introspection?  Meditate?  Go on a retreat?  How would your family react?  Your friends?  Freak out?  Understand?  That's what this vlog is about.  Have you ever skipped Christmas?  What happened?  Do you think you would consider trying it in the future?  I'd love to hear your thoughts on this topic.  

Vlog: Helping a Friend Deal With Loss

I had hoped to get this vlog posted earlier, but I had to go to the doctor with a foot issue.  Such is life with chronic health issues.  Actually, this turned out to be an ingrown toenail.  Not a huge deal, but painful nonetheless.  I didn't want to put off getting it taken care of any longer as my toe was sore, a bit red and a little puffy.  Yow!  So, off I went to the doctor's office.  Now, I have a whopping bandage on the toe until tomorrow morning when I can downsize to a Band-Aid.  

Anyway, on to today's vlog topic.  In this video, I talk about how to help a friend deal with loss.  That loss can be due to death, moving, abandonment, misunderstanding, or suicide.  I also discuss loss of a child, parent/grandparent, spouse, partner, job, and house.  What to say, what not to say, what to do--I talk about it.  

Have you ever helped your friend through a loss?  Has a friend helped you?  What helped you as a griever and what didn't?  Did a friend tell you what you did that helped him/her the most during their difficult time?  I'd love for you to share your experiences either in the comments below or through email (amy@acnlifecoach.com).  Thank you.

"Me Before You:" My Take on It

"Me Before You," by Jojo Moyes, has gotten a lot of attention.  As soon as I read the blurb about it on the back cover, I grabbed it.  I tend to favor books exploring male-female friendship, so that was the first thing that jumped out at me about this book.  Then, the fact that one of the characters used a wheelchair captured my interest.  I haven't seen many books like that.  

Louisa is hired to help take care of Will, who is a quadriplegic and uses a wheelchair.  Another reason she's hired by his parents, unbeknownst to her at first, is to help Will find joy in life again in an attempt to prevent him from going through with plans for assisted suicide in 6 month's time.

The Controversy

The book has sparked somewhat of a controversy: there is no point in living if you have a disability.  This because no matter what Louisa does to try to perk him up and otherwise help him, he doesn't back down from his original intention: to end his life.  He's got parents who love him, a woman who loves him, friends who love him, but it's not enough.  He still faces years in the "prision" of his wheelchair, only able to move his fingers a bit, with the promise of deteriorating health, and total dependence on others.   

My Take on It

Assisted suicide is a very personal issue, and it is difficult to know how a person would react if he were in the situation for real of being paralyzed with the strong possibility of losing more ability and function as times went on.  It was up to Will to decide.  It was his life.  No one could step into his shoes and realize how he felt, or suddenly flip a switch that made all the problems go away.  He needed to do what he felt was right for himself.  The same is true for someone who is adamantly opposed to assisted suicide.  The decision is, ultimately, his.

I thought it was a fabulous book.  It felt authentic.  Since I spent a large chunk of my life in a wheelchair due to the effects of spina bifida, I could relate to Will's character so much.  Moyes either is a very talented writer with excellent research skills, or she has experience with being in a wheelchair or has someone in her life who uses one because she was spot on with the feelings, frustrations, stares, difficulty getting around barriers, and so on.  Her characters had conversations nearly word-for-word from those I've had in my own life. I hated every minute I spent in that chair.  Rather than treat it as a means of independence and freedom, I loathed it as something that made me stick out and look different in a sea of "normal" kids.  I wasn't paralyzed like Will, but numerous foot surgeries and issues kept me in the wheelchair for extended periods of time.  It caused countless headaches trying to get from one place to another. It was just a nuisance in my eyes.  

By the time I hit high school, I had had enough.  I was angry, depressed and concerning my parents with talks of wanting to die.  I hadn't come up with a way to do it yet, but I was very close.  My mom took me to a psychiatric nurse who was experienced in counseling teens.  The nurse helped some.  But, as nice as she was, I found myself play-acting with her; telling her what she wanted to hear.

The real breakthrough came when I met a fellow classmate at school.  He was in my freshman history class.  I never usually looked around the classroom, just at my lap, my books, or the teacher, but that day, I looked to my right and we both did a double take.  I clicked with him immediately.  He was interested in medical stuff, we were both outsiders at the time ( he was new to the school while I wasn't, but I didn't feel like I fit in), he stuck up for me, and he boosted my confidence.  

Will and Louisa's relationship reminded me somewhat of ours in reverse, but his friendship helped me decide to live, not die.  I'm thankful for that.  Thoughts of death were replaced with a determination to ditch my wheelchair.  I fought to walk and I finally won at age 16.  

I didn't read the book thinking that it sent a negative message to people with disabilities.  I thought of it as a story of two people coming together to help each other live the best lives possible.  Sometimes endings just don't turn out the way we want them to, but that is what made the book so authentic to me.  It wasn't a storybook ending.  It was about real life issues and the tough decisions we have to make in the face of adversity.  He made his choice.  She was devastated but supportive in the end, and that's what real friendship is.  That's what it means to love and respect another person.

I only had a couple of gripes with the book:  1.  Will and his family just had to be loaded.  I suppose to finance all the joyful experiences someone would have to be rich, but I really wish more books were written with the message that you don't have to have piles of money to be happy or for your dreams to come true.  2.  Will died.  I was hoping he'd change his mind at the last minute, but no.  

If you are feeling down about your health issues, surround yourself with positive, caring people--friends, health care professionals, family, clergy, colleagues, and the like..  Or you may only need that one friend who sticks his neck out to make you feel whole, capable, happy, and ready to take on the world--or at least your little corner of it.  If you feel depressed, please seek help from a qualified mental health professional.  Whatever works, go for it--for life.

So, have you read the book?  If so, what did you think of it?  And, if not, I'm sorry for the spoilers.

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Note:  I just happened to write about this book because, like the graphic above says, it spoke to me.  It was about friendship and health issues and I loved it.  I am not writing this as a review for an affiliate.

Coping With the Loss of a Friend

Friendship is a special relationship that we can share with a spouse, another person, or a pet.  Losing a friend can be devastating, whether through abandonment, moving, divorce, or death. Going through the process of grief takes time, and everyone's schedule is different. It's important to take that time, find ways to cope that work for you and learn how to move on in a healthy manner.

What is Grief?

Grief is the response to a loss.  It's natural to feel emotional upon losing a friend. Reactions vary but may include anger, shock, guilt, and overwhelming sadness.  The closer the friend, the deeper the grief is felt.

The stages of grief are:

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance

You may not go through every stage.  There is no right or wrong way to grieve.  It is unique and very personal to you. 

Effects of Loss

Following the loss of a friend, you may feel numb, lost, confused, unable to concentrate or make decisions, unable to sleep, and unable to stomach the thought of eating food.  So much has changed. This person was so much a part of your life.  You shared everything.  You were always together: talking, exercising, traveling, shopping, eating dinner, maybe even working.  Now, she's gone.  The feeling of emptiness is crushing.  Every place you hung out now brings back so many memories. 

Or maybe your husband was your best friend and he has either died or you've gotten divorced.  Meeting with lawyers, selling or dividing property, packing, making needed repairs to the home, moving, changing your insurance policies, trying to juggle work and household responsibilities as a single person or single parent, feeling insecure living on your own possibly for the first time, making sure bills get paid, trying to keep yourself together for your children, dealing with the guilt that you should have been able to save him or your marriage--on and on.  

If you've lost a pet, you experience loneliness, heartbreak, and sadness, too.  You miss the comfort your furry friend provided when you are sick, or the joyous greeting he offered when you come home from work.  Your children may feel confused and even afraid that they could lose others important to them as well.  Your friends may not understand the true depth of your loss since you "only" lost a pet, not a child or other human being dear to you.  But losing a pet can be just as difficult or even more so than losing a family member for some.  

It is a lot to take in and process.

Coping with Loss

So, what can you do to cope?  

In general, make sure you take care of yourself, first of all. Get plenty of sleep, eat balanced meals, pay attention to personal hygiene, and exercise regularly.  

Here are other ways you may find helpful to cope:

• seek out the support of friends and family who understand the gravity of your loss
• join a support group for spouses, pet owners, or friends, either locally or online
• find comfort in your faith
• keep a journal of your experience and how you are feeling
• be honest about how you are feeling and accepting of those feelings
• don't let anyone invalidate your feelings
• meet anniversaries, birthdays and other special occasions with a plan
• create a memorial for your friend in your home or on your property
• remember the good times by sharing funny stories about your friend
• put money aside to save up to visit your friend who has moved
• arrange for regular FaceTime or Skype chats with your friend who has moved
• volunteer at a local animal shelter, and maybe eventually adopt a new pet when you're ready
• date when you feel ready
• go out on a double date or group date at first if you feel uneasy about being alone with a new man
• host a potluck at your home
• get out into your community - join a gym, volunteer at an organization near and dear to your heart, or join a bowling league or choral group--whatever you are interested in
• Take a class or workshop 
• Stay involved with your current hobbies or adopt new ones

When to Seek Professional Help

If you find that your grief isn't dissipating over time, or that it is intensifying, or that it is keeping you from getting on with your normal, daily life of responsibilities and activities, you may be experiencing complicated grief.  If you are feeling hopeless, worthless, intensely guilty, or suicidal, you may be clinically depressed. Seek professional help immediately.

Have you lost a dear friend?  If so, how did you cope?  Feel free to post in the comments or email me at amy@acnlifecoach.com.  Take care.

Vlog: Life Coaching Specialties, Part 2 of 2

Hi!  I'm back with the second part of my video on my coaching specialties.  I intended to have this up yesterday, but I ran into some technical difficulties.  The video kept uploading upside down.  Frustrating!  But, I'm happy to say I eventually figured out how to fix it, so you don't have to turn your phone or another device upside down to view it.  Yay!

This time around, I'm discussing friendship coaching.  Friendship coaching can include anything from help making new friends following a move, to help to deal with the death of a close friend.  If you would like more information about friendship coaching, please email me at amy@acnlifecoach.com, or visit my website at www.acnlifecoach.com.  I'd love to hear from you! Have a great weekend.

Letting Go

Throughout our lives we experience different types of loss.  It's difficult, no matter how we handle it, but learning to cope with it more effectively can make it more bearable.  In all cases, make time for yourself, spend time alone to gather your thoughts, and grieve in your own way.  Everyone is different.

Friends:  This could come as a result of a move, differing opinions, or death.  If it's a move that is separating you, arrange to keep in touch via Skype, phone, and social media, as well as in-person visits, as much as possible.  Although it depends on how close you are and how long you've known each other, long distance friendships can suffer if you don't put enough effort into keeping them alive.  If separation is due to differing opinions, make a point to seek out new friends who share your views.  It's not necessary for all your friends to agree with you all the time, but they should share your basic values.  Death of a friend can be jarring to your system.  Take time to remember the good times and what your friend means to you.  Celebrate your friendship by doing something that the two of you used to do together.  Invite other friends to join you or do it by yourself, whatever feels more comfortable.  Whatever you loved to do as a team--flying kites on the beach, reading in the park, eating ice cream at your favorite hang out--do it.  Imagine your friend is with you; she really is.  She's there in your heart and in your memory.

Marriage:  Whether a split is friendly or nasty, it's hard to deal with.  You may have put everything you had into the marriage and now it's gone.  It can be pretty traumatic.  You may feel paralyzed, at a loss as to what to do next.  If you have children together, you may be preoccupied with making sure they feel loved and safe.  Take time to recover.  Spend time with the people you trust and find comfort in the most. Talk, sit in silence, play music, explore a favorite place in nature, even invite them to help you go through your things as you pack up your life for a move.  Or, you may find the most comfort in yourself; that's okay.  If you need to be alone to think, remember the past, visit old haunts, cry, prepare for your new life, make that clear to your loved ones.  You need to do what is right for you; whatever will help you heal.  .

Work:  A loss of a job can be devastating financially and emotionally.  Hopefully you'll receive notice, but regardless, be prepared.  Save as much as you can so you have something to get you through potential tough times.  In today's "stuff"ed" culture, it's easy to be tempted to buy everything you want now, but it's best to resist that temptation and save for that rainy day instead.  You'll be glad you did.  You may not be able to save a ton of money, but even putting away a little each week will help in lean times.  It all adds up.  Also, keep your eyes open for any opportunity to work, no matter what the task.  It may not be in your traditional line of work, but when you're trying to keep a roof over your head and food on the table, pretty much any job will do in a pinch while you're looking for something else more suitable.  Ask everyone you know to keep their eyes and ears open for new opportunities.  You can also volunteer at local organizations; it might even lead to a paying position.  It happens.  Be prepared to live more frugally.  Sell things you don't absolutely need.  Ditch cable, Netflix, and the like. Buy or rent a smaller home, trade in your vehicles for less expensive ones, and if your children attend private school, consider enrolling them in public school or giving homeschooling a try.

Retirement:  This may be a time of joy, but it also can be really tough.  You may have worked all your life at the same company and consider your work mates family.  Or, you might simply love what you do for a living and hate the thought of giving it up.  Something you could consider doing is volunteering at work a couple days a week.  That way it's not such a jar to the system as when you just up and leave for good.  Or, you could volunteer at a totally different place.  You could also take on part-time paid work.  Depending on where you live, your health, your disposable income and the like, there are countless things you could do in retirement to help ease the loss of work and potential feelings of being unneeded or bored.  Take up a sport such as golf or tennis, find a walking buddy, travel, join a support group of other retirees, go back to school to take courses for the fun of it, get to know your neighbors, host an exchange student, write your memoirs for your children and grandchildren, adopt a pet from your local animal shelter, or join a club or committee.  The possibilities are only limited by your imagination.

Family:  Whether it's a parent, grandparent, or child, losing a member of your family to death can hit hard.  The mourning process can take a long time, and should take as long as you need to heal.  Go through boxes of mementos, celebrate the good times, join a support group, cry, meditate, even laugh at some silly habit your loved one had.  It is through all these actions that we heal and learn to move on.  I personally don't mourn very long.  Maybe it's because I consider death a part of life.  Or maybe it's because of my medical history.  I have almost died myself a few times.  It could also be that I tend to believe I will meet up with passed loved ones again someday.  I'm not religious, and I don't know much about reincarnation, I admit, but there have been so many accounts of life after death, it is hard for me to discount it as myth.  Besides, it feels good to think that I will meet Dad and others again who have passed.  If it's true, great.  If not, well, I'll find out when the time comes.  It's not something I spend time ruminating over for countless hours.  I remember when my dad passed away, I cried for a short time as Jim hugged me.  The tears were both of sadness and of relief--he'd been in poor health for awhile.  But then I was okay.  He was at peace.  Although I think of him often--his caring, his quirky sense of humor, his funny catchphrases--I've gone on with my life.

Childhood:  Where in the world did it go?  How did I get this old so fast?  Okay no, I'm not old and I don't obsess about getting older.  To me, the fact that I'm getting older is a good thing, otherwise I'd be dead, right?  But still, I do find myself taken aback a bit when I realize just how long ago I graduated from high school.  I still feel as if I'm 18 (well, most of the time), for heaven's sake!  So, why is it that songs from the 1980s are considered "oldies," now?  Oldies?  You've got to be kidding!  The first time I heard an '80s song on an Oldies station I about fell over.  It just can't be!  But, yep, it is.  Childhood was a long time ago for many of us.  To think of it that way, it smarts a little, and it can be scary.  It seems as if you were just on the track team breaking all sorts of records and now your bones snap, crackle and pop every time you try to get out of your favorite easy chair.  Oh, the realities of life suck sometimes.  It's important to key on the present and what you can do, not what you can't.  Participate in activities that you enjoy.  Maybe you can't run track anymore, but try your hand at something else like walking, wheelchair dancing, yoga, table tennis, or golf.  Join clubs associated with your youth (related to a specific music of an era, for example), or dig out old childhood games and give them a go again for the fun of it.  You may have to face the fact that you're a grown up now and even act like it sometimes, but that doesn't mean you can't still be a kid at heart.  Embrace the life you live now, make it fun, and look for fulfilling activities to participate in.

If you find that your feelings of loss are taking over; they're interfering with you getting on with your normal life, seek out the help of a qualified health professional.  Don't deal with this alone long-term.  Honor the loved ones/your childhood that you have lost by getting the help you need so you can live a happy, healthy and fulfilling life.  

Adjusting to Change

Have you ever felt as if you didn't really feel the same anymore?  Like your life was changing and you panic a little?  Change is good; it is healthy.  But it still can be unsettling and a little scary, depending on the nature of the change.

Here are some changes that can shake things up a bit:

 Death of a loved one:  Each person deals with death differently; some people heal right away while others mourn for years.  It depends on how close you were to the deceased, your personality, and other factors.  Whether the death is sudden or at the end of a long illness, it can be difficult to process.  Experiencing an array of emotions, sorting your loved ones' belonging, handling all the phone calls, visits, and funeral details--it can all be exhausting.   

Aging of a parent:  You may like to think that your parents will always be healthy and active, but disease, injury, and the natural process of aging can bring about changes that may shock you.  These changes can happen suddenly as a result of an injury due to a fall, or over time as is the case with Alzheimer's disease.  Suddenly Mom is using a wheelchair to get around, or Dad no longer has much interest in his beloved garden.  And sometimes, depending on the circumstances, the parent comes to live with you.  Despite the fact (and oftentimes because of it) that you care deeply for your parent, caring for him/her 24-7 takes its toll.  It can hit you hard.

A new baby:  The thought of a new baby brings on the warm fuzzies, but it also can spark fear, confusion, and lots of sleepless nights.  Is he eating enough?  Why won't he stop crying?  Am I holding her properly?  What if I drop her?   Your head is spinning with both joy and terror.  If you have other children, you might not be as nervous, but a new baby requires attention.  That requires more time and energy that you need to muster up from somewhere, somehow.  

A new job:  This can be an exciting venture.  You may find yourself more tired out than usual from the stress of learning a new job, dealing with a different route to work, having to leave the house and return home at different times,  dealing with office politics, and the like.  Or you could be energized by this new change. Regardless, it requires an adjustment.   

Health issues:  Maybe you have a long-term illness or new medical condition that takes a copious amount of your time and energy to manage--doctor visits, surgeries, therapy sessions, medication, medication side effects, second opinions, third opinions.  As you get older, more health complications may set in and you just don't know how to cope.  

Remodeling:  Sure, you love the thought of a "new" house, or a "new" kitchen, but, oh boy, when the sawing and hammering start, you begin to wonder if it wasn't such a great idea after all.  Delays, unexpected additional costs, and rude contractors add to the frustration.  By the time the project is done, you're spent, in more ways than one.

Socializing:  You may have a full plate, but you still want to spend time with friends, family, and community service activities.  You squeeze BBQs, birthday parties, card games, and volunteering into an already crammed schedule.  You may start to feel guilty because you forego the latest party to stay home and relax or take the kids camping.  With a society that's continuously moving at warp speed, it's easy to get burned out.  

There's no need to be frightened of change.  It is a natural progression.  Look inside yourself to make sure it is what you want.  If it's different than the norm, that's okay.  As long as it's authentic, natural, gives pleasure, and/or a certain satisfying challenge, go with it.  It's for the best and life will calm down in time.

Instead of mourning the loss of the way life used to be, embrace change and find excitement in the things that are in the works.  Enjoy the adventure.  Learn from it; revel in it.  Cherish the memories of where you came from and what you learned, and welcome the chance to grow.  It's not as if everything you know has to change, but that it's altered is okay.  Let your life changes flow naturally.  Tackle the waves, bumps, and road blocks with determination, humor, and a positive attitude.  

Have you gone through a life change recently?  How did you handle it?  Email me at amy@acnlifecoach.com, or comment below.  Thanks!

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