Vlog: Tired of Competing? Tired of Fighting?

Do you have chronic health issues?  Are you tired of competing?  Tired of fighting?

• For jobs
• For attention from your spouse, kids, relatives, friends, coworkers
• For love, dates
• Job promotions
• Spots on a team or committee
• For grades
• For college acceptance
• For rights
• For adaptations

Are you competing with other people in your spouse's life?

• Are you jealous of the attention given to friends?
• Do you feel like you're not enough?
• That they like others more than you?
• That they regret committing to you now that they have found others they prefer to hang out with?  That they click with others better?

Also, are you trying to please?

Stop!

You're in the wrong relationship, friendship, or job if you're trying to please, perhaps.  Only you can decide that.

You're putting yourself last.

It's hard work to compete.  To fight.

You feel insecure.

Get out.

You need to be you!

Live your life the way you see fit.

Do the things you love to do.

Go where you want to go.

Say what needs to be said.

Walking or wheeling on eggshells isn't worth it.

You've got a lot to give.

Give it to the people, activities, jobs...that mean the most to you.

If your friend, partner, spouse, doesn't appreciate you, or has become tired of you, distant, or seems to be replacing you, let them.  If you have tried everything and still the relationships or friendships seems to be dying, let it die naturally.  No fits, or arguments, or scenes.  Just let it play out naturally.

If your employer is constantly setting up roadblocks and treating you unfairly.  Fight them or leave them, but do what is best for you.

You can only do so much.  You have to concentrate on you, your health, what brings you joy.  That is your choice.  And it's their choice whether to take that ride with you or not.

Vlog: Personality Tests

Hi!  I love taking personality tests to see what the results are.  They are usually pretty spot on, or just a bit off.  

Here are three that I've taken:

Myers-Briggs:  https://www.mbtionline.com.  You can take this assessment.  It takes about 15 minutes and has 93 questions.  It costs $49.95 to get started.  You can download your personality type summary report.  The assessment helps you identify your preferred way of doing things in four areas:

• directing and receiving energy
• taking in information
• making decisions
• approaching the outside world

It helps you have a better idea of what makes you tick and how that affects all areas of your life.  How you communicate, your career, relationships, decision-making--personality has a part in it.  Knowing your personality can help you navigate your world more effectively and make better choices.  You may also be able to tweak the areas that aren't to your liking.

There are 16 personality types.  My Myers-Briggs personality is INFJ, which is the rarest type.  It stands for:

• Introverted:  Reserved and quiet.  Limited social interactions.
• Intuition:  Focusing on the big picture.
• Feeling:  Going with your gut.
• Judging:  Prefer planning and early decision-making to last minute decisions.

Enneagram:  https://www.enneagraminstitute.com  (test code required costs $12)  and http://www.9types.com/rheti/index.php (free)

There are nine distinct personality types.  Each number on the enneagram stands for a type.  You might see a bit of yourself in each type but there usually is a dominant one in each of us.  There are also Wings which branch off from the main personality.  

The Nine personality types are:

• The Reformer
• The Helper
• The Achiever
• The Individualist
• The Investor
• The Loyalist
• The Challenger
• The Peacemaker

I am The Enthusiast.  I'll take it!  I thought for sure I would get The Helper since I've always wanted to help people, but it was not the way this one turned out.

Gretchen Rubin's The Four Tendencies Quiz:  https://www.surveygizmo.com/s3/3706759/Gretchen-Rubin-s-Quiz-The-Four-Tendencies

This quiz helps you determine if you are an Upholder, Questioner, Obliger, or Rebel.

Upholders:  Meet inner and outer expectations

Questioners:  Meet inner expectations, Resist outer expections

Obligers:  Meet outer expectations, resist inner expections

Rebels:  Resist inner and outer expections

Knowing which personality you are can help you understand your own behaviors and preferences and those of the people around you.  

I am an Obliger with a smidgeon of Questioner.  And if I oblige, oblige, oblige and get stonewalls or put off one too many times, I become an Obliger-Rebel.  My husband is a Questioner with a smidgeon of Oobliger in him and he considers himself a bit of a Rebel, too.  So, we have all the same tendencies, but a different one is the dominant one for each of us.

Are you game to take any of these personality tests?  Have you done so in the past?  If you have, were you surprised at the results, or were they pretty spot-on?  How has your personality helped or hindered you in regards to managing your chronic health issues, and making friends?  

Feel free to share your results in the comments below, or email me at amy@acnlifecoach.com.  

Listen: To Break Down Barriers and Avoid Conflict

Listening is such an important skill.  Do you feel that people really listen to you?  Do they hear what you say?  Do they pay attention?  Or do they busy themselves with projects and everyday tasks and insist that they are still "listening?"  Or, do they flat out ignore you as you talk?  Same goes for you.  Do you really, truly listen to people when they are talking to you?  Do you engage in conversation?  Or is your mind wandering all over the place, thinking of the laundry building up at home, the report that's due tomorrow, the doctor's appointment on Wednesday, the friend you promised you'd make time in your schedule to meet with this week, or how you're ever going to fit in everything you have to do today?  

No, you don't have to get right up into someone's face like this cow gets right up close to the camera, but it is important to listen closely to others.    It can make or break friendships and business deals.  It can make the difference between a person really feeling heard and giving up on life.  It can help those who are mourning the loss of a loved one work through their thoughts and emotions in order to heal.  Mindlessly nodding and periodically mumbling, "uhuh," won't do.

Listen up!  Listening is a skill that many of us don't have or hone, but it is key to successful relationships, both personal and professional.

Breaking Down Barriers

If you experience barriers to work, shopping, activities, friendships, or other facets of life, think about how you can knock those barriers down.  Is it due to chronic health issues, race, social status, religious or political views, or something else?  Get to the heart of it.  How could you make a positive change, or at least begin the process?  Here are some ideas:

• Arrange a meeting with a prospective employer to discuss concerns regarding accessibility, abilities, reliance, sick time, and so on.
• Ask for a family conference so you can all air your concerns, good news, bad news, and discuss and resolve any conflicts before they blow out of proportion.
• Attend a board meeting to voice your concern over accessibility problems at various businesses around town.
• Speak at local organizations about chronic health issues and special needs to raise awareness and answer questions.  
• Approach one person at school, work, or in the community, smile, say hi, and break the ice.  Start a conversation about, well, anything, and, over time, open up about yourself and encourage the other person to do the same.  You may build a lasting friendship that means the world to you. 
• Really listen to that friend who is going through chemo or a divorce.  Sometimes that's all a person really needs.  They don't need your coddling, your answers, your sympathies.  They need your undivided attention in order to vent about the BS that is happening their lives.  Give it to them.
• Take notes while a person is talking while maintaining eye contact as much as possible.  The note-taking will help prevent the urge to interrupt the person while they are talking in order to say something before you forget it.
• Switch off your cell phone while having a conversation someone else.  If you're having lunch with a friend, be there for that friend.  Eliminate the temptation to answer the phone whenever it rings.  

By listening to others, we can open minds, ease tension, clarify positions, promote understanding--we can break down barriers.    

Avoid Conflict

Avoiding conflict has a lot to do with effective listening as well.  Consider the political and religious conflicts of late.  People are giving up friendships, not talking to family, firing employees, beating and killing people over differing political and religious beliefs. Those beliefs run deep, of course, but there is absolutely no reason for people to do such awful things to each other in the name of politics and religion.  My advice is to calm down, grow up, and listen to each other.  Converse.  Communicate.  Respect.  Listen!  

Magical things can happen when you get together with people you don't understand or agree with, and:

• really talk 
• really listen
• use non-threatening speech
• avoid blame
• show respect for the other by being silent while they are speaking
• reflect the other person's emotions
• rephrase what they say so they know you are listening

You come to realize that, yeah, maybe you don't agree on certain political issues, but you do agree on others.  Same goes for religion.  And, you may also discover that you are both huge fans of the same band or author or movie, love to travel, enjoy woodworking, love classic cars, participated in theater at the same college years earlier, share the same birthdate, went to the same high school, lived in the same far off place thirty years ago, both worked on a kibbutz, or are obsessed with Pokemon.  You never know.  Once the listening starts, all that conflict begins to be resolved, the stress eases up, and other more positive likenesses come shining through.  

Are you a good listener?  If not, use some of the tips above to improve your listening skills.  Do you have any other tips to add to the ones included here?  Feel free to leave them in the comments.