Vlog: Changing Friendships: Communicate and Be Fair

Hello!  Happy Monday!  I hope you had a great weekend.  We had a game night with friends  Saturday and it was a lot of fun.  It's always fun to get together with our friends.  We played Sequence.  That's a fun game that we all enjoy.  We also played a bit of a trivia game and charades as well.  Games are a great way to bond, relax and have lots of fun with friends.  We started our game night a few years ago and we're glad we did.  Just spread the word to your friends that you'd like to start a game night, say, once a week or once a month or even a few times a year, and see what kind of response you get.  We have had one person up to, I think, 12 or 15 attend our game nights!  It's your game night:  you decide on the number of people you want to join in.  

Okay, now on to today's video.  In it, I talk about changing friendships and how to handle them.  Change is natural and healthy.  It's best to handle such change with understanding and calm.  Of course, if you truly want particular friends who have distanced themselves to be a part of your life again, you need to be honest and forthright.  Let them know you care about them and would like to spend more time together again.  Find out if there are any misunderstandings that caused them to back off in the first place, clear the air, and hopefully rekindle that friendship.  

Have you had friends distance themselves from you?  If so, what did you do about it?  How did it make you feel?  I'd love your feedback.  Take care.

Vlog: When Your Old Friends Don't Like Your New Friends.

Hi!  Back with another vlog post.  This time I'm talking about when old friends and new friends don't like each other.  I cover some reasons why this may be so such as jealousy, distrust, and discrimination.  I also talk about what to do the remedy the situation including talking privately with each friend to clear the air, and seeing if you can find similar interests that old and new friends have in common.  

It's tough when old and new friends don't get along.  It can cause lots of stress.  But there are ways to solve the problem.

Have you experienced this problem?  If so, what did you do about it?  Do you have any other ideas on how to remedy the situation?  I'd love to hear from you.  Thanks.

Vlog: Do People Tell You That You Spend Too Much Time Online?

Hi!  Two videos for you today.  This one is on spending time online.  I spend a lot of time online:

• work
• shop
• get the news
• talk to friends

That doesn't mean that I don't get out of the house, get fresh air, exercise, talk to people face to face, etc.  I do.  But it's really handy to do so much online that I spend a lot of time there.  Many of my friends live across the country, actually across the world, so it's easier to talk online.  It's not possible to visit super-often when you have to fly or drive long distances to visit friends.  The technology is there, so I use it.  I use it to enhance my friendships, not destroy them.  

What's your take on this issue?  Do you spend lots of time online?  Do you have more friends online than offline?  Do you still get together with friends face to face?  Do you prefer one way of communicating over the other?  

No Sleep, Again: What's Going On?

Last night I did it again--I stayed awake all night.  This used to happen to me quite frequently, but lately I'd been able to sleep better.  So I was a little surprised, and also frustrated when I was still awake at 5 AM when my husband got up for work.  My alarm was set for 6.  I thought I would stay awake and be able to get up at my usual time without much fuss, but no.  As soon as Jim left, apparently, I nodded off, because the next thing I knew, the alarm was beeping furiously.  Lovely.  One hour of sleep and now I was drowsy and craving more sleep.  So I went back to sleep for another hour.  The alarm beeped again.  I felt worse than if I had stayed up the whole time.  

Why is this sleeplessness back?  I have a few ideas.  

Health issues:  I went to the nephrologist recently and found out that my kidney function is down about 14 points compared to last year.  He said it may be because of my urinary tract infection.  So I need to go for a re-test in a month, once I'm finished the antibiotics and my body gets a chance to right itself.  I'm hoping it's the infection and not something worse.  The thought of failing kidneys is not pleasant by any stretch of the imagination.  I didn't think I would have to face that possibility until I was much older.  But here it is staring me in the face, or rather, sitting at the back of my mind, pestering me ever so slightly.  It's not something I think about all the time, but as the test gets closer, I've been thinking about it more.  In my gut, I think I'm fine, but then I won't know until I have the test.  I just want to know so I can either forget about it or take measures to combat whatever may be going on.  

Another aspect of health that has been niggling at me has to do with exercise, weight loss, and healthy eating.  I've been really bad at it during the last year or so, but it started sliding when I hit menopause in 2010.  I was in such good shape before then.  I had bundles of energy, I'd lost bunches of weight.  I felt light on my feet.  It was awesome.  Then, wham!  Menopause took the wind out of my sails.  Took the sails completely away, actually.  So for the last seven years, I've been lax about both eating healthy and exercise, so the weight ballooned up and up and up.  I was upset with myself, so, of course, I did a lot of emotional eating.  I would tell myself that I had to exercise, but I chose to work, read, or play on the computer instead.  I told myself that I really shouldn't be eating ice cream for the third time that week, but I still shoveled it in.  I shoveled a lot of food in.  It was as if my brain was totally overtaken by an evil force.  I'm thrilled for anyone who has a relatively easy menopausal experience, but I'm not one of them.  I've been a mess, especially regarding food and energy.  But the other day, something just clicked.  My knee hurt terribly, I could hardly walk, I had no energy, and I just stopped and decided I'd had it.  I would no longer let that evil force win. I didn't learn to walk despite the effects of spina bifida only to let the effects of menopause rob me of my ability to walk. And, just like that, my cravings reduced, my exercise increased, and I was eating much healthier.  So, I'm hoping that, in time, the weight won't be as much of a problem and I'll have more energy.  It's a start.  

Family issues:  I live across the country from most of my family.  That was a choice Jim and I made 10 years ago.  We were ready to move out west to a more moderate climate and new opportunities.  I was ready to spread my wings after being pretty much Mommy's girl all my life.  Then in 2014, my mother had a stroke which caused significant memory issues.  She's made several moves since we've been in Utah, including leaving her apartment to live with my sister, and then finally to an assisted living community.  It has been difficult to catch her at the facility when I call because she's either at a doctor's appointment or taking part in an on-site activity.  And when I do catch her on the phone, she talks for only a few minutes and then says she really should go.  Maybe she doesn't know me anymore.  I have my suspicions about that.  Maybe she thinks that she's hogging the phone. I'm not sure.  I'm thrilled that she's getting involved with activities there, no question. It's just frustrating trying to time my calls, two time zones away no less, to match her schedule.  I don't want to call too early or too late because, when I do that, she tends to be tired and more confused.  The family has a private Facebook group to help everyone keep up to date on all things Mom-related.  At first, we used it quite a bit and it was helpful, but it's fallen out of service of late.  I'm not sure why.  Communication is key in any family situation like this.  It would really help to get that back up and running.  I haven't called in awhile since it's been so difficult to get and stay in touch with her, but I have sent her cards and photos over time.  We last visited in  March 2016.  We need to plan another trip soon, but with our busy schedules and the distance, it takes some doing, and we don't have that much vacation time.  Of course, this year we went to Denmark, but that won't happen every year.  Part of me feels guilty that I haven't called and another part of me says I have tried repeatedly with the same result.  I feel like my hands are a bit tied in that respect.  

Work issues:  I absolutely love being a coach, so that's not the issue.  It's that I am still new at it and working to build my business.  Networking, developing a social media presence, interacting with prospective clients, and so on.  No matter how fun and rewarding it is, it still takes a lot of time and energy.  My calendar is filled with more tasks than I have time for.  It's just me, myself, and I here.  No staff to hand various projects over to.  I like being in charge and working on my own.  I've done it for decades.  But I need to remind myself that I can only do so much, so I need to set priorities.  First priority is reworking the schedule to include the most important tasks--those that are client-related.  The rest will fall into place as time allows.  

Social issues:  There was a time when we had all sorts of parties and get-togethers here with friends.  We had more friends out here than anywhere else we'd lived.  I loved it.  Then something started to feel off.  I've always been a loner, and all the socializing was getting to me.  As much as I liked the people I'd met out here, I just didn't want to deal with big gatherings anymore.  I'm headed back to somewhere between social butterfly and loner, which I think it a good place to be.  I felt bad letting some friends go, but I let it happen naturally, really, so it wasn't such a blow.  The friends I wasn't closest to faded away, and I had more time to concentrate on the ones who meant the most to me.  Both Jim and I are the loner type.  We like alone time and time together by ourselves to explore this beautiful area of the country we now call home.  But we also cherish the few close friends we have and look forward to spending more time with them.  

There they are, the sources of my sleepless night.  All these issues kept winding their way through my head, over and over again, until I knew it was pointless to try to sleep (until 5 AM, anyway.  Oh brother.).  I had a lot of time to mull each issue over in my head, at least.  I have to put health first, then the business, and then, of course, friends and family.  I feel good about the decisions I've made and the strategies I'm going to implement in the coming days and weeks to keep things balanced and healthy and help me sleep better.

Do you have nights when you can't sleep at all?  What do you do to remedy the situation?  I'd love it if you'd share your tips.  

Gender and Friendship: Does It Make a Difference?

With one of my best friends, Carl, when he visited us several years ago.

Although I have some close female friends, I have always felt comfortable with male friends.  They generally come with less drama, they seem to have a unique understanding and compassion regarding my health issues, and I seem to have an easier time communicating with them.  Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I grew up with six brothers.  My only sister is 14 years (and change) older than me, so, while we did spend time together over the years, I spent more time with the guys.

Some of my best friends are guys, and it has raised a few eyebrows among family and other friends.  Especially when I went to visit Carl on my own a couple of time over the years.  People just didn't seem to understand that I could be friends with a guy without any romance cropping up.  They were baffled that Jim would allow me to go visit Carl on my own.  

I've talked about one of my male friends already in past blog posts, but this one centers on Carl.  I met him online shortly before a major medical procedure.  My doctor ordered a nephrostomy in March 2006, out of the blue.  I didn't have any symptoms of trouble, but he didn't like the looks of the test results.  He was adamant that I have the procedure.  Well, I freaked out.  It put moving plans on hold.  I visited the ostomy clinic (awesome people!) for dressing changes and flushes, but Jim, my mother, and a neighbor also went to the clinic to learn how to do it, too, since the nephrostomy was not in a convenient location for me to reach.  I was super-nervous of getting an infection and drove Jim nuts with my paranoia.  Sure, everything needed to be sterile, but I went overboard.  I was a nervous wreck.  It ticked me off, to be honest.  Other doctors didn't think I needed the procedure, but this doctor did.  The ostomy nurses talked to the doctor for me, I tried to talk with him, but there was no budging him.  The nephrostomy would stay put as long as I needed it.  Turns out he was right because I haven't had any major kidney issues since.  

But it was a frustrating ordeal.  Carl's friendship was a huge reason I stayed relatively sane through it all.  He contacted me daily, let me vent, stayed calm, and made me laugh.  I'm convinced he was sent by my guardian angel to help me.  I just know when a person has been sent to me.  They usually come into my life out of the blue and I feel a special connection with them.  They're always guys.  Always.

My take on the situation is, as long as I feel comfortable with Carl, and Jim is comfortable with me being friends with him, that's all that matters. Friendships provide valuable benefits, and having a variety of friends is a plus.  In other cultures, opposite sex friendships are common and accepted. I wish more people in the US felt the same way.

Do you have best friends of the opposite sex?  If so, do other people in your life understand?  If you don't have opposite sex besties, what are your thoughts on the topic? Are you averse to it?  Do you just not think about gender when seeking out friends?  Let me know,  thanks!

Taking Proactive Steps to Reduce Stress

I've no doubt mentioned before that I don't like to drive.  Well, I had a doctor's appointment today with a doctor I only see once a year, so I always have to refamiliarize myself with the route to his office.  His office is located at a very busy intersection, and I'm always nervous that I'll get into a fender bender on the way there.  But I was tired of being afraid.  Tired of worrying.  So, I decided to scope out other routes to his office.  It occurred to me that it was a particularly difficult left-hand turn followed by the need for an immediate lane change in order to turn right into the office parking lot in time, that always gave me fits.  

I remember talking with my sister-in-law about driving years ago, and she said that it doesn't matter how you get there, as long as you arrive safely.  So, I started thinking of creatives ways to get to the office without making those tricky maneuvers.  And, it came to me that I have no problem driving to another doctor's office located a mile or so down the same street from the office I was headed to today.  So, instead of making that pesky left-hand turn, I drove straight through the intersection down to the left-hand turn I felt comfortable with, made the right turn into the other doctor's office parking lot, meandered around the lot to the exit, drove to the pesky intersection, hitting it from the other direction, took a right and another right into the parking lot, and, viola, I made it without incident.  

Now that I've discovered a more stress-free way to get to the doctor's office, I won't feel so crazed the next time.

What activity stresses you out every time you have to do it?  Do you get overly nervous before a doctor's appointment?  Do you freak out when confronted with anything unfamiliar?  If so, take a step back, relax, and brainstorm ways you can tackle the problem and make the situation much less stressful.  What bothers you most?  What adjustments could you make that would ease the stress?  Who could you ask for help?  Good luck!

I would love to hear how you help avoid, or at least diffuse, stressful situations.  Email me at amy@acnlifecoach.com or post a comment below.  Thanks!  Have a great weekend.  

Vlog: Chronic Illness and Feeling Low

Hello, everyone!  I hope you're having a great day.  Here's today's vlog post on chronic illness and feeling low.  Have your life plans been hampered by health issues?  It's frustrating, I know, but remember to put your health first.  Do what you need to do to get passed those stumbling blocks, then concentrate on work, school, that new job, that new activity you'd like to try.  Nothing is as important as your health.  

If you have a specific topic you'd like me to cover in a blog post, let me know.  Anything on special needs/abilities, health issues, or friendship.  Either post it in the comments below or shoot me an email (amy@acnlifecoach.com).  Thanks.  Take care.

What to Do When You Just Aren't Interested in Continuing a Friendship Anymore

Do you hear from old friends out of the blue periodically with long stretches of time in between?  Does it surprise you that they keep contacting you?  Do you find yourself rolling your eyes and wondering when they will give it up?  Do you "forget" to return their calls?  Are you just not interested in continuing the "friendship?"  Do you feel guilty about any of these feelings or reactions?

I've had similar friendships.  The person acts as if the two of you have been in constant touch for a lifetime and that it's perfectly normal to pick up the phone or send an email without any explanation or introduction of any kind as to why they have been basically ignoring you for the last six months or, oh maybe, 10 years.  They commence dumping all their news, woes, tragedies, celebrations, and accomplishments on you without one word of inquiry about what's been going on in your own life, and then they're gone again.  For another six months to 10 years.

Maybe they needed to vent.  Okay, fine.  There are many different types of friends, and, as long as they are nurturing and positive, there's room for them all:  the talker, the listener, the comedian, the thinker, the mentor, the volunteer buddy, the exercise buddy, the work buddy, the best friend, the casual acquaintance.  I have no problem with that.  What I have a problem with is a lack of consistency and give and take. Don't just drop back into my life when it suits you if you aren't planning on committing to a full-on friendship.

Friendship is a commitment, whether that friend is across the hall or across the world.  It means you commit to meeting three times a week to work out together; visiting regularly in person, on the phone, or via messaging; or inviting each other to events periodically. Commitment.  It's not a one-sided, drop in-drop out relationship.  

So, what should you do if you are faced with this situation?  Well, if you still like the person and remember their friendship fondly, you could just deal with it.  Call, chat a bit, and then let it go until the next time they pop back into your life.  But if you have outgrown this particular person or they annoy you and you're just not interested in continuing the "friendship," you need to be honest.  Let the person know how you feel about these surprise calls and one-sided conversations.  Maybe they don't realize there's anything wrong with what they're doing.  Or maybe they will fly off the handle about it, thinking you are an ungrateful jerk.  Either way, you'll have cleared the air and will know where each other stands.  

Do you have a friend who drops in out of the blue periodically?  How do you handle it?  Are you comfortable with it or is it a friendship that's been limping along for years that you would like to end?  Think about what impact your actions would have on your life and that of your friend.

"Me Before You:" My Take on It

"Me Before You," by Jojo Moyes, has gotten a lot of attention.  As soon as I read the blurb about it on the back cover, I grabbed it.  I tend to favor books exploring male-female friendship, so that was the first thing that jumped out at me about this book.  Then, the fact that one of the characters used a wheelchair captured my interest.  I haven't seen many books like that.  

Louisa is hired to help take care of Will, who is a quadriplegic and uses a wheelchair.  Another reason she's hired by his parents, unbeknownst to her at first, is to help Will find joy in life again in an attempt to prevent him from going through with plans for assisted suicide in 6 month's time.

The Controversy

The book has sparked somewhat of a controversy: there is no point in living if you have a disability.  This because no matter what Louisa does to try to perk him up and otherwise help him, he doesn't back down from his original intention: to end his life.  He's got parents who love him, a woman who loves him, friends who love him, but it's not enough.  He still faces years in the "prision" of his wheelchair, only able to move his fingers a bit, with the promise of deteriorating health, and total dependence on others.   

My Take on It

Assisted suicide is a very personal issue, and it is difficult to know how a person would react if he were in the situation for real of being paralyzed with the strong possibility of losing more ability and function as times went on.  It was up to Will to decide.  It was his life.  No one could step into his shoes and realize how he felt, or suddenly flip a switch that made all the problems go away.  He needed to do what he felt was right for himself.  The same is true for someone who is adamantly opposed to assisted suicide.  The decision is, ultimately, his.

I thought it was a fabulous book.  It felt authentic.  Since I spent a large chunk of my life in a wheelchair due to the effects of spina bifida, I could relate to Will's character so much.  Moyes either is a very talented writer with excellent research skills, or she has experience with being in a wheelchair or has someone in her life who uses one because she was spot on with the feelings, frustrations, stares, difficulty getting around barriers, and so on.  Her characters had conversations nearly word-for-word from those I've had in my own life. I hated every minute I spent in that chair.  Rather than treat it as a means of independence and freedom, I loathed it as something that made me stick out and look different in a sea of "normal" kids.  I wasn't paralyzed like Will, but numerous foot surgeries and issues kept me in the wheelchair for extended periods of time.  It caused countless headaches trying to get from one place to another. It was just a nuisance in my eyes.  

By the time I hit high school, I had had enough.  I was angry, depressed and concerning my parents with talks of wanting to die.  I hadn't come up with a way to do it yet, but I was very close.  My mom took me to a psychiatric nurse who was experienced in counseling teens.  The nurse helped some.  But, as nice as she was, I found myself play-acting with her; telling her what she wanted to hear.

The real breakthrough came when I met a fellow classmate at school.  He was in my freshman history class.  I never usually looked around the classroom, just at my lap, my books, or the teacher, but that day, I looked to my right and we both did a double take.  I clicked with him immediately.  He was interested in medical stuff, we were both outsiders at the time ( he was new to the school while I wasn't, but I didn't feel like I fit in), he stuck up for me, and he boosted my confidence.  

Will and Louisa's relationship reminded me somewhat of ours in reverse, but his friendship helped me decide to live, not die.  I'm thankful for that.  Thoughts of death were replaced with a determination to ditch my wheelchair.  I fought to walk and I finally won at age 16.  

I didn't read the book thinking that it sent a negative message to people with disabilities.  I thought of it as a story of two people coming together to help each other live the best lives possible.  Sometimes endings just don't turn out the way we want them to, but that is what made the book so authentic to me.  It wasn't a storybook ending.  It was about real life issues and the tough decisions we have to make in the face of adversity.  He made his choice.  She was devastated but supportive in the end, and that's what real friendship is.  That's what it means to love and respect another person.

I only had a couple of gripes with the book:  1.  Will and his family just had to be loaded.  I suppose to finance all the joyful experiences someone would have to be rich, but I really wish more books were written with the message that you don't have to have piles of money to be happy or for your dreams to come true.  2.  Will died.  I was hoping he'd change his mind at the last minute, but no.  

If you are feeling down about your health issues, surround yourself with positive, caring people--friends, health care professionals, family, clergy, colleagues, and the like..  Or you may only need that one friend who sticks his neck out to make you feel whole, capable, happy, and ready to take on the world--or at least your little corner of it.  If you feel depressed, please seek help from a qualified mental health professional.  Whatever works, go for it--for life.

So, have you read the book?  If so, what did you think of it?  And, if not, I'm sorry for the spoilers.

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Note:  I just happened to write about this book because, like the graphic above says, it spoke to me.  It was about friendship and health issues and I loved it.  I am not writing this as a review for an affiliate.

The Importance of Having Different Types of Friends

I've talked about the benefits of friendship before, including stress relief, reduced sense of loneliness, and overall feeling of well-being, as well as how to find new friends.  But today I'd like to talk about the importance of having a variety of different types of friends.

Three Friendship Models

In a study on the effects of social connections on academic performance published in the October 2016 issue of the journal Contexts, three friendship models were identified:

• Tight-knitters:  You tend to hang out with one big group of friends who basically all know and offer significant support to each other.
• Compartmentalizers:  You have different smaller groups of friends who are unrelated and don't intermingle.  For example, work friends, church friends, book club friends, sports/fitness friends, and school friends.
• Samplers:  You like one-on-one friendships.  

I have been a part of all three types of friendships over the years.  My favorite type of the three is one-on-one.  I like to form deep friendships which is difficult in a group setting where I tend to clam up and get drowned out. If I had to choose a second favorite, it would be compartmentalizing.  I like having all sorts of friends with different interests and personalities, so the smaller groups of this friendship model suit me.  At one time Jim and/or I had these friendship groups: football, church, school, volunteer, work, workout.  We've had friends of different ethnic groups, ages, socioeconomic status, lifestyles, interests, faiths, and political views. The most important thing is to have quality friendships, no matter the number.  

Types of Friends

There are many categories of friends who can have a positive impact on your life.  Here are some examples:

• Cheerleader:  This person is always in your corner supporting your new project at work, relationship, or fitness program.
• Good-Time Charlie:  You are guaranteed to relieve stress with this friend.  This is the friend you go out dancing, play games, and go on road trips with.
• Kindred Spirit:  This friend just "gets" you completely.  You can be totally open and honest with each other without fear of feeling stupid or being betrayed.  
• Polar Opposite:  Opposites attract, right?  This friend helps keep you balanced, and you do the same in return.  
• The Neighbor:  Neighborliness still exists,  Scope out your area for friendly neighbors.  You may just talk over the fence once in awhile, but it's important to make that connection. Getting to know your neighbors not only may spark a friendship, but it gives you a sense of security as well.
• The Mentor:  This friend guides and challenges you to do your best whether professionally, spiritually, or in other facets of your life.  
• The Guardian Angel:  This friend comes into your life when you need him the most. This person provides support that no one else can give you at that specific time in your life.  The friendship may last a few days, a couple years, or a lifetime. 
• True Friend:  This friend doesn't fit into any specific category.  She is there to provide emotional support without fail, during your high and low points; through the good, the bad, and the ugly.  

Again, I have or have had many of these types of friends and they have each taught me important lessons about trust, loyalty, honesty, self-confidence, and tolerance.  It takes me awhile to establish a friendship, but that's pretty normal.  It takes time to build trust and feel comfortable exposing vulnerability that fosters close friendships.

What type of friendship model do you prefer?  Do you have a variety of friends, or a few close ones?  Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments or email me at amy@acnlifecoach.com  

Using My Imagination to Cope

Did you ever make up an imaginary world to "live" in to help you cope with health issues or other problems as a child?

I did.  

From the time I was about nine years old, I lived in a fantasy world of my own making as much as I possibly could.  My bedroom was my sanctuary.  There, I entered a world where I was healthy, strong, popular, and happy.  In it, I was an actress, singer, writer, and artist.  I made movies, I sang on a television music program, I went on tour around the world, met celebrities. I walked with my imaginary friends throughout the family farm where I grew up, taking them on wild adventures and showing them my favorite hideouts. I took some of my fantasy world friends to school with me at times as well, and as soon as I got home, I'd scoot up to my sanctuary again until it was time to join the family for supper.  It never interfered with chores or homework.  I studied like crazy all through school.  Later, I married, had children, got divorced, remarried in my fantasy world.  Then I retired at the ripe old age of 24 when I, myself got married for real.  I still visited my fantasy world off and on for many years after "retirement," when a particularly challenging health issue came up.  But today I rarely venture there.  

I remember, several years ago, I was talking with a psychologist and the subject of my fantasy world came up.  The doctor said that I had chosen a very healthy way of dealing with the stress related to my health issues.  When I ventured into my fantasy world all those years ago, I had no idea I was actually providing myself with my own brand of therapy.  But it worked.  Along with my family, medical team, special friends, music, art, and writing, my fantasy world helped me cope through some of the most difficult times of my life.  I'm thankful that my nine-year-old mind came up with the idea and that I stuck with it for as long as I did.  

So, have you ever done anything like that?  If not, what did you do to help you cope during tough times during childhood or otherwise?  

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I will be on vacation for the next few weeks.  I promised my husband I wouldn't work during our time off.  I will see you back here the first week of June.  Be well.  Take care.  

Coping With the Loss of a Friend

Friendship is a special relationship that we can share with a spouse, another person, or a pet.  Losing a friend can be devastating, whether through abandonment, moving, divorce, or death. Going through the process of grief takes time, and everyone's schedule is different. It's important to take that time, find ways to cope that work for you and learn how to move on in a healthy manner.

What is Grief?

Grief is the response to a loss.  It's natural to feel emotional upon losing a friend. Reactions vary but may include anger, shock, guilt, and overwhelming sadness.  The closer the friend, the deeper the grief is felt.

The stages of grief are:

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance

You may not go through every stage.  There is no right or wrong way to grieve.  It is unique and very personal to you. 

Effects of Loss

Following the loss of a friend, you may feel numb, lost, confused, unable to concentrate or make decisions, unable to sleep, and unable to stomach the thought of eating food.  So much has changed. This person was so much a part of your life.  You shared everything.  You were always together: talking, exercising, traveling, shopping, eating dinner, maybe even working.  Now, she's gone.  The feeling of emptiness is crushing.  Every place you hung out now brings back so many memories. 

Or maybe your husband was your best friend and he has either died or you've gotten divorced.  Meeting with lawyers, selling or dividing property, packing, making needed repairs to the home, moving, changing your insurance policies, trying to juggle work and household responsibilities as a single person or single parent, feeling insecure living on your own possibly for the first time, making sure bills get paid, trying to keep yourself together for your children, dealing with the guilt that you should have been able to save him or your marriage--on and on.  

If you've lost a pet, you experience loneliness, heartbreak, and sadness, too.  You miss the comfort your furry friend provided when you are sick, or the joyous greeting he offered when you come home from work.  Your children may feel confused and even afraid that they could lose others important to them as well.  Your friends may not understand the true depth of your loss since you "only" lost a pet, not a child or other human being dear to you.  But losing a pet can be just as difficult or even more so than losing a family member for some.  

It is a lot to take in and process.

Coping with Loss

So, what can you do to cope?  

In general, make sure you take care of yourself, first of all. Get plenty of sleep, eat balanced meals, pay attention to personal hygiene, and exercise regularly.  

Here are other ways you may find helpful to cope:

• seek out the support of friends and family who understand the gravity of your loss
• join a support group for spouses, pet owners, or friends, either locally or online
• find comfort in your faith
• keep a journal of your experience and how you are feeling
• be honest about how you are feeling and accepting of those feelings
• don't let anyone invalidate your feelings
• meet anniversaries, birthdays and other special occasions with a plan
• create a memorial for your friend in your home or on your property
• remember the good times by sharing funny stories about your friend
• put money aside to save up to visit your friend who has moved
• arrange for regular FaceTime or Skype chats with your friend who has moved
• volunteer at a local animal shelter, and maybe eventually adopt a new pet when you're ready
• date when you feel ready
• go out on a double date or group date at first if you feel uneasy about being alone with a new man
• host a potluck at your home
• get out into your community - join a gym, volunteer at an organization near and dear to your heart, or join a bowling league or choral group--whatever you are interested in
• Take a class or workshop 
• Stay involved with your current hobbies or adopt new ones

When to Seek Professional Help

If you find that your grief isn't dissipating over time, or that it is intensifying, or that it is keeping you from getting on with your normal, daily life of responsibilities and activities, you may be experiencing complicated grief.  If you are feeling hopeless, worthless, intensely guilty, or suicidal, you may be clinically depressed. Seek professional help immediately.

Have you lost a dear friend?  If so, how did you cope?  Feel free to post in the comments or email me at amy@acnlifecoach.com.  Take care.

25 Fun, Feel-Good Questions

It's Friday.  The end of the week.  It's a fun day.  Okay, so here's something different for today's post.  I've come up with a variety of questions that will hopefully evoke smiles and fond memories. You can respond and keep the answers to yourself, team up with some friends and take turns asking each other the questions, answer them in the comments below, or send your responses to me via email at amy@acnlifecoach.com.  I would love to read your answers if you'd care to share them.  Here we go!  Have fun!

1. What was your best friend's name in elementary school?  High school?  College?
2. What was the first record you bought?
3. When was the last time you laughed so hard you cried?
4. Love roller coasters, or not?
5. If you could time travel, where would you go?
6. What was your favorite game as a child?
7. What was a favorite book as a child?
8. What was your favorite holiday growing up?
9. What's your favorite type of vacation? (Beach, staycation, mountains, etc.)
10. What's your favorite aroma from childhood that brings back great memories?
11. What usually puts you in a good mood?
12. What would the story of your life be called?
13. What is one of your favorite memories of your childhood?
14. What's the most inspiring movie you've ever seen?
15. What hobby would you get into if you had the time and money to do it?
16. What is your little-known talent?
17. What chance encounter changed your life for the better?
18. If you could make any event an Olympic sport, what one would you choose that you're good at?
19. Where would you like to live? 
20. If you could have any job what would it be?
21. What age do you wish you could permanently be?
22. What's your favorite travel destination?
23. Where was your favorite hide-out as a kid?
24. What was your first pet and what was its name?
25. What's one thing you've done that you never thought you would but it turned out to be successful and fun?

Have a great weekend!