Vlog: Looking For New Friends: Don't Sell Yourself

Happy Monday!  In this post, I talk about the importance of not selling yourself when you're looking for new friends.  Be yourself!  Be natural!  And you'll attract the very people who are more apt to become your close friends.  

How did you meet your closest friends?  Please share!  Thanks.

Vlog: What If You Skipped Christmas?

Have you ever thought about skipping Christmas?  Skip the hubbub?  What would be your reasons for skipping it?  What would you do instead?  Regroup?  Do some introspection?  Meditate?  Go on a retreat?  How would your family react?  Your friends?  Freak out?  Understand?  That's what this vlog is about.  Have you ever skipped Christmas?  What happened?  Do you think you would consider trying it in the future?  I'd love to hear your thoughts on this topic.  

Vlog: Take a Break!

Hi!  Just a quick video today.  We've got company coming so I'm crazy busy.  But I wanted to check in and wish you a great rest of the week and weekend.  This video reminds you to take a break, spend time with family and friends, chill out.  Work is important but you need to step back a bit now and then.  If you have health issues, you'll always have stuff to do for those.  It takes time and can be a pain in the butt sometimes to fit it in, but you have to take care of yourself.  But still, find that time, even five minutes, an hour, a day, a few days, to chill, have fun.  Let me know what you do for fun and to chill out.  Do you meditate, spend time in the park or the woods, hang out with family and friends, read?  I'll catch you again next week.  Take care.

Fostering Friendships

Happy Friday!  I hope you have some fun plans for the weekend.  A friend of ours from California is coming to visit, so we're looking forward to that.  

Friendships are important to our well-being, as I've mentioned before.  They help keep us healthier, improve mood, reduce stress, and so on.  But, how can we foster friendships in this crazy busy world we live in?  There are many ways to do this:

• Take a class--Do this with a friend and/or to find new friends with a common interest.
• Go on a day trip--Grab your bestie and hit the road!
• Have a heart to heart--Simply sit and talk with your friend(s).  Really listen.
• Play a game--Sports, board games, charades, yard game, hop scotch, anything.  Just play!
• Go out dancing--Or turn up the music and spontaneously dance with your friend in your living room.
• Chat on the phone or via Skype--Call a friend you haven't talked to in awhile and chat.
• Visit a friend--Arrange to visit a friend, either local or out of town, you haven't seen in awhile.
• Volunteer--Grab a friend and work together to benefit a good cause.  Or volunteer by yourself to meet new people with the same giving spirit.
• Get crafty--Invite a friend over and break out the fabric, super-glue, construction paper, yarn, paints, anything crafty, and go to it.  Crank up some high energy music to add to the fun.
• Go to a sports event--Invite a friend to go to a local or big-league game.  Bond over burgers, dogs, and drinks while you're at it.
• Work together on a big project--work with a friend restoring a classic car, building furniture, or restoring a house.

These are just some ideas.  What would you add to the list?  I'd love to hear from you.

Please consider joining my new Facebook group Fostering Friendships.  I'm really excited about it.  It's all about helping you make friends and foster those current friendships in your lives.  The group is free and I have a theme for each day, and lots of ideas to make the group fun.  Come join us!  

Vlog: Memories of Growing Up with Spina Bifida

Hello there!  I hope you're having a good day.  Here is my latest vlog post on memories of growing up with spina bifida.  There are goofy moments, serious moments, scary moments, but we get through them all.  I've coped with these situations, as I've mentioned before, by daydreaming.  I've also used humor.  And family and good friends have helped as well.  Who helps you cope with the realities of spina bifida?  I hope you have some special people in your life who are there for you, care about you, and make you smile.  Take care.

The True Secret of Happiness

There are many books on the market on the subject of happiness:  where it comes from;  how to get it; how to keep it; how to cope when it seems elusive.  I've read many of these books, and they truly have been helpful and interesting to me.  But I think William Morris has the best advice of all as stated in the quote I've included here to the left.

Taking a genuine interest in all the details of daily life.  That's what's important.  Being real.  Having an honest-to-goodness interest in your life, moment to moment.  Marveling at them.  Appreciating them.  Savoring them.  

It's easy to think that your life is mundane if you are constantly looking at it as compared to that of celebrities or friends who have more affluent lifestyles.  But consider looking at your life as if through a microscope instead.  Take every aspect of your life and think of the simple things that make it so awesome.

I've mentioned the Circle of Individual Perspective exercise before.  Draw a circle and divide it into six sections.  Next, label each section as follows:  Career, Relationships, Financial, Health, Spiritual, Well-being.  Now, rate your happiness in each of the six areas of life from 1 (very unsatisfied) to 10 (very satisfied).  Finally, draw a line across each pie slice approximately at the point that represents your satisfaction.  For example, If you rated your health a "5," you would draw a line across the midpoint of that slice.  If you rated your financial situation an "8," you would draw a line across that pie slice close to the edge of the circle.  This exercise is also sometimes called "The Wheel of Life," because, once those lines are connected, you can see how bumpy your life is compared to one in which each segment is quite equally satisfying.  Once you see that wheel, you can devise strategies and action plans to smooth things out and get each section closer to "10."  

Now, back to those "details."  

Career:  What is most satisfying about your career?  Who at the office makes you smile whenever you see him/her?  What simple ritual do you look forward to taking part in each day at work?

Relationships:  What little things do you love about your family and friends?  Who can you be alone with in a room, not talking or doing anything together, but feel totally comfortable with?  Do you have a sweet memory that pops into your head as soon as you think of a specific friend?  Do you have someone in your life that you can be silly with and it's totally okay?  Do you have someone in your life who totally "gets" you?  Do you have that special person in your life that you want to tell everything to as soon as it happens?  Do you have a special bond with someone who just makes you smile whenever you think of him?  Do you have a person in your life who you absolutely love to do thoughtful things for--pick up a colleague's favorite coffee on the way to work, write a love note to your spouse before you leave for work in the morning, or stop by an elderly neighbor's house to read to or play cards with her?  Do you have simple traditions that you look forward to participating in when you get together with certain friends and family?

Financial:  What are you thankful for regarding money?  What inexpensive activity do you love to do--maybe something you did as a child and still find joy in?  Do you feel secure money-wise?  If you are financially secure, what is one frugal thing you still do to save money?  Do you have simple saving tips you learned from your parents or friends that you still use?  Do you keep a jar for change in the house somewhere and look forward to seeing how much you've saved by the end of the year?  Every little bit helps.  (Side note: Jim is a genius at finding loose change.  He has funded a significant portion of our vacations with found money at various times over the years.  Tip:  look in coin returns at store checkouts and in vending machines (and on top of them), on the ground, on the floor, under seats and seat cushions, etc.  He never swipes money he personally sees people drop, however.  He picks it up and returns it.) 

Health:  Are you thankful for your good health?  Are you thankful for the health professionals who offer kind, encouraging words in times of illness?  Do you find something funny to laugh at even when you're in the hospital?  What tips have you picked up over the years that have helped you maintain good health?  What simple health-related rituals do you enjoy practicing?  What are some tricks that you have picked up to make fitness fun?  Do you have simple, healthy recipes that you enjoy preparing on a regular basis?  Do you have favorite go-to places for deals on healthy foods and exercise equipment?  Do you relish taking advantage of a 10-minute window of time to dance around your living room or go for a quick walk?  

Spiritual:  What simple things bring you peace?  What symbols of goodness and faith make you smile when you see them?  What beliefs bring you comfort during hard times and joy during good times?  Where is your favorite place to contemplate, meditate, or think?  Do you find peace in visiting the resting place of a loved one who has passed on?  Do you believe in guardian angels?  Do you find joy in doing simple acts of kindness for others?  Do you find it natural to be an honest person?  Do you feel comforted by the belief that spiritual entities/beings/higher powers are looking out for you?  Are you living your life purposefully?

Well-being:  Do you feel thankful for your life as it is right now?  Do you generally feel happy?  Do you wake up every morning, excited to start the day and see what it has to offer?   Do you find that your life is pretty much stress-free, or that you can handle the stressful situations you encounter in a healthy way?  Are you generally in a good mood?  Do you feel as if you are contributing to society in a positive way?  

These are just some questions you may want to ask yourself about different facets of your life.  I'm sure you can think of others that pertain to your life specifically.  The important thing is to ask yourself, "Am I happy?"   and "What is happiness to me?"  Then, live your life each day as close to your values and beliefs--your true self--as possible to help facilitate a feeling of true happiness.

What is your take on the topic of happiness?  Do you think it comes from the inside or the outside, or a little bit of both?  










  

Be the Victor, Not the Victim

When it comes to your health issues, are you a victor or a victim?  Take a look at the characteristics below and decide which one you most identify with.


Characteristics of a Victim

• The world is against me
• Any challenge is an unsurmountable obstacle
• I blame others for my failures
• I have a negative attitude
• I make excuses
• I am pessimistic
• I see only closed doors
• I give up quickly if I don't succeed

Characteristics of a Victor

• I can be of service to the world
• I consider an obstacle an opportunity
• I am responsible for my successes and failures
• I have a positive attitude
• I see only open doors
• I am optimistic
• I don't give up until I succeed

Me:  A Bit of Both, and Working To Improve

As a very young child, I started learning self-care.  I also watched doctors and nurses carefully as they performed health maintenance and various procedures.  I learned all I could about the medical world as it pertained to me.  That part was pretty cool.  It helped lessen my fear of those surroundings that were a regular part of my life.  The part that wasn't so cool was that my parents tended to shelter me, so:

• I can't do anything for myself (other than medical stuff, of course--that I knew)
• I can't get involved with family activities because I might get hurt
• I can't participate in gym class because I might get hurt, look foolish
• I can't go play with other kids because I don't fit in, I'm too slow

My anger grew as I got a little older.  I hated having health issues, being stared at, being pitied, being different, being limited, being afraid to do things on my own, my parents' coddling, not hanging out with my peers, but I was a good girl so I never let anyone see that side of me.  I kept it inside.  When I hit my teens, things changed.  All that bottled up anger came flooding out:

• I resent my family
• I resent the world
• I resent my peers for being healthy
• I resent myself for being different, broken
• I can't get involved in community
• I can't learn to drive because I might get into an accident
• I can't get involved in school activities because I don't fit in, I'm not good enough
• I can't make really close friends because I "need" to keep so much of myself private
• I will never have a boyfriend because I'm broken, too different, ugly
• I resent myself for thinking all of these things but I can't help it

Luckily, things started turning around when I was about 15.  Otherwise, I am convinced I wouldn't be here.  I was deeply troubled and something had to give.  Someone would have to intervene and help me, or I would be dead.  Someone intervened.  It totally changed my life.

• I joined school clubs
• I volunteered at school and in the community
• I made friends
• Fell in love
• I traveled without my parents
• I went to school dances, including the prom
• I went to school dressed as a Smurf for Halloween (I kid you not.  I would never have even thought of doing such a thing before.)
• I got more involved at home, doing more chores on the family farm
• I went for walks and participated in other activities with my family

Since then there have been ups and downs.  

• Indecision regarding college studies.  (I'm just now figuring out what I really want and love to do) 
• Insecurities about abilities related to work
• Some pretty cool jobs, and the realization that I prefer working from home.  Not to avoid work, but to enhance it.  Make it work for me.
• Marriage
• More travel
• More volunteering
• More friends
• A couple major moves to other parts of the country 
• Old and new health issues to deal with

But basically, things are going well.

How to Be a Victor

• Remember that any change begins with you
• Have healthy conversations with family and friends about issues that are bothering you
• Pick one thing in your life that you will start to react differently, more positively, to
• Put visual reminders up around your home or in your car to help you think more positively
• Learn to say "I'm sorry," or "I'm wrong," --and mean it--when you mess up
• Say "I can" or "I will"
• Contact local organizations to see if they would be interested in scheduling you to speak at one of their meetings or other events on a subject related to your health issues (advocacy, awareness)
• Make a list of things you would love to try, then set out to do them  (a new hobby, vacation destination, sport, activity, class, social club, or maybe living on your own)
• Surround yourself with positive people who believe in your abilities
• Talk to your doctor about any questions or concerns you have

As you begin to change your mindset from victim to victor, you will experience ups and downs, but keep at it.  It takes time to adopt the attitude of a victor, but you'll get there.  Step by step, you'll make the changes necessary to live a happier, more positive life.

So, do you identify more with the victor or the victim?  If you exhibit more victim-like characteristics, what can you do to make a more positive shift?  

  

Vlog: Do People Tell You That You Spend Too Much Time Online?

Hi!  Two videos for you today.  This one is on spending time online.  I spend a lot of time online:

• work
• shop
• get the news
• talk to friends

That doesn't mean that I don't get out of the house, get fresh air, exercise, talk to people face to face, etc.  I do.  But it's really handy to do so much online that I spend a lot of time there.  Many of my friends live across the country, actually across the world, so it's easier to talk online.  It's not possible to visit super-often when you have to fly or drive long distances to visit friends.  The technology is there, so I use it.  I use it to enhance my friendships, not destroy them.  

What's your take on this issue?  Do you spend lots of time online?  Do you have more friends online than offline?  Do you still get together with friends face to face?  Do you prefer one way of communicating over the other?  

Using My Imagination to Cope

Did you ever make up an imaginary world to "live" in to help you cope with health issues or other problems as a child?

I did.  

From the time I was about nine years old, I lived in a fantasy world of my own making as much as I possibly could.  My bedroom was my sanctuary.  There, I entered a world where I was healthy, strong, popular, and happy.  In it, I was an actress, singer, writer, and artist.  I made movies, I sang on a television music program, I went on tour around the world, met celebrities. I walked with my imaginary friends throughout the family farm where I grew up, taking them on wild adventures and showing them my favorite hideouts. I took some of my fantasy world friends to school with me at times as well, and as soon as I got home, I'd scoot up to my sanctuary again until it was time to join the family for supper.  It never interfered with chores or homework.  I studied like crazy all through school.  Later, I married, had children, got divorced, remarried in my fantasy world.  Then I retired at the ripe old age of 24 when I, myself got married for real.  I still visited my fantasy world off and on for many years after "retirement," when a particularly challenging health issue came up.  But today I rarely venture there.  

I remember, several years ago, I was talking with a psychologist and the subject of my fantasy world came up.  The doctor said that I had chosen a very healthy way of dealing with the stress related to my health issues.  When I ventured into my fantasy world all those years ago, I had no idea I was actually providing myself with my own brand of therapy.  But it worked.  Along with my family, medical team, special friends, music, art, and writing, my fantasy world helped me cope through some of the most difficult times of my life.  I'm thankful that my nine-year-old mind came up with the idea and that I stuck with it for as long as I did.  

So, have you ever done anything like that?  If not, what did you do to help you cope during tough times during childhood or otherwise?  

• --------

I will be on vacation for the next few weeks.  I promised my husband I wouldn't work during our time off.  I will see you back here the first week of June.  Be well.  Take care.  

Coping With the Loss of a Friend

Friendship is a special relationship that we can share with a spouse, another person, or a pet.  Losing a friend can be devastating, whether through abandonment, moving, divorce, or death. Going through the process of grief takes time, and everyone's schedule is different. It's important to take that time, find ways to cope that work for you and learn how to move on in a healthy manner.

What is Grief?

Grief is the response to a loss.  It's natural to feel emotional upon losing a friend. Reactions vary but may include anger, shock, guilt, and overwhelming sadness.  The closer the friend, the deeper the grief is felt.

The stages of grief are:

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance

You may not go through every stage.  There is no right or wrong way to grieve.  It is unique and very personal to you. 

Effects of Loss

Following the loss of a friend, you may feel numb, lost, confused, unable to concentrate or make decisions, unable to sleep, and unable to stomach the thought of eating food.  So much has changed. This person was so much a part of your life.  You shared everything.  You were always together: talking, exercising, traveling, shopping, eating dinner, maybe even working.  Now, she's gone.  The feeling of emptiness is crushing.  Every place you hung out now brings back so many memories. 

Or maybe your husband was your best friend and he has either died or you've gotten divorced.  Meeting with lawyers, selling or dividing property, packing, making needed repairs to the home, moving, changing your insurance policies, trying to juggle work and household responsibilities as a single person or single parent, feeling insecure living on your own possibly for the first time, making sure bills get paid, trying to keep yourself together for your children, dealing with the guilt that you should have been able to save him or your marriage--on and on.  

If you've lost a pet, you experience loneliness, heartbreak, and sadness, too.  You miss the comfort your furry friend provided when you are sick, or the joyous greeting he offered when you come home from work.  Your children may feel confused and even afraid that they could lose others important to them as well.  Your friends may not understand the true depth of your loss since you "only" lost a pet, not a child or other human being dear to you.  But losing a pet can be just as difficult or even more so than losing a family member for some.  

It is a lot to take in and process.

Coping with Loss

So, what can you do to cope?  

In general, make sure you take care of yourself, first of all. Get plenty of sleep, eat balanced meals, pay attention to personal hygiene, and exercise regularly.  

Here are other ways you may find helpful to cope:

• seek out the support of friends and family who understand the gravity of your loss
• join a support group for spouses, pet owners, or friends, either locally or online
• find comfort in your faith
• keep a journal of your experience and how you are feeling
• be honest about how you are feeling and accepting of those feelings
• don't let anyone invalidate your feelings
• meet anniversaries, birthdays and other special occasions with a plan
• create a memorial for your friend in your home or on your property
• remember the good times by sharing funny stories about your friend
• put money aside to save up to visit your friend who has moved
• arrange for regular FaceTime or Skype chats with your friend who has moved
• volunteer at a local animal shelter, and maybe eventually adopt a new pet when you're ready
• date when you feel ready
• go out on a double date or group date at first if you feel uneasy about being alone with a new man
• host a potluck at your home
• get out into your community - join a gym, volunteer at an organization near and dear to your heart, or join a bowling league or choral group--whatever you are interested in
• Take a class or workshop 
• Stay involved with your current hobbies or adopt new ones

When to Seek Professional Help

If you find that your grief isn't dissipating over time, or that it is intensifying, or that it is keeping you from getting on with your normal, daily life of responsibilities and activities, you may be experiencing complicated grief.  If you are feeling hopeless, worthless, intensely guilty, or suicidal, you may be clinically depressed. Seek professional help immediately.

Have you lost a dear friend?  If so, how did you cope?  Feel free to post in the comments or email me at amy@acnlifecoach.com.  Take care.

25 Fun, Feel-Good Questions

It's Friday.  The end of the week.  It's a fun day.  Okay, so here's something different for today's post.  I've come up with a variety of questions that will hopefully evoke smiles and fond memories. You can respond and keep the answers to yourself, team up with some friends and take turns asking each other the questions, answer them in the comments below, or send your responses to me via email at amy@acnlifecoach.com.  I would love to read your answers if you'd care to share them.  Here we go!  Have fun!

1. What was your best friend's name in elementary school?  High school?  College?
2. What was the first record you bought?
3. When was the last time you laughed so hard you cried?
4. Love roller coasters, or not?
5. If you could time travel, where would you go?
6. What was your favorite game as a child?
7. What was a favorite book as a child?
8. What was your favorite holiday growing up?
9. What's your favorite type of vacation? (Beach, staycation, mountains, etc.)
10. What's your favorite aroma from childhood that brings back great memories?
11. What usually puts you in a good mood?
12. What would the story of your life be called?
13. What is one of your favorite memories of your childhood?
14. What's the most inspiring movie you've ever seen?
15. What hobby would you get into if you had the time and money to do it?
16. What is your little-known talent?
17. What chance encounter changed your life for the better?
18. If you could make any event an Olympic sport, what one would you choose that you're good at?
19. Where would you like to live? 
20. If you could have any job what would it be?
21. What age do you wish you could permanently be?
22. What's your favorite travel destination?
23. Where was your favorite hide-out as a kid?
24. What was your first pet and what was its name?
25. What's one thing you've done that you never thought you would but it turned out to be successful and fun?

Have a great weekend!

A Good Friend Is a Connection To Life

Spouses, children, parents, grandparents, siblings--that's who we usually concentrate on, but it's our friendships that are the most connected to our well-being.  We are never happier than when we are with our friends, according to research.

Friends:  Keeping Us Present and Healthy;  Keeping Us Sane in an Insane World

Friendships offer a massive number of benefits including:

• Mood boosting:  Friends are often sources of fun and laughter.
• Accountability:  You usually share your plans with your friends, whether it is to find a new job, lose weight, or go back to school. Friends help you to stick to it by checking in with you periodically for the latest updates on your progress.
• Stress reduction:  Friends allow you to feel less lonely which helps shore up your immune system and keep you healthier.  Being able to vent to a friend is a great stress reducer.
• Support through hard times:  Whether it's a shoulder to cry on, babysitting while you go job hunting, or providing you a place to stay if your spouse kicks you out of the house, friends are there during some of your toughest times.
• Support going over that hill:  Friends often provide companionship, resources, transportation, someone to celebrate victories with, and someone to commiserate with through loss of loved ones, retirement, and health issues.  They keep you going strong. 
• Helping you feel needed:  Friends help each other all the time and that feels great!  Having a purpose in life and feeling needed boosts the spirits.
• Offering guidance:  Friends are a great source of knowledge and resources when you're faced with perplexing questions and aren't quite sure what to do.  Whether it's finding an attorney, or plumber, or medical services, friends can serve as a wellspring of information.
• Making you feel as if you fit in:  Friends are a great source of confidence.  You can be silly, frightened, sad, philosophical, angry, elated, and okay, yes, stupid with them and it's okay!  You can be yourself.  It's all okay. They have your back.

Friends:  Ties to the Past

While some people feel you should leave the past in the past, including old friends, there are benefits to keeping in touch with such friends.  Here are some of many:

• Acceptance:  Old friends accept you as you are.  That can help you immensely when you face rejection of some kind.  
• Hope:  Old friends give you hope that everything will be all right.  They know you and remind you of what is important to you, to help keep you grounded.
• Reminders:  Old friends can boost your mood during troubling times by reminding you of the good ol' days.  They can help you forget your troubles even for a little while.
• Crisis management:  Old friends remember the worst of times, and how strong you were through it all.  They remind you during a crisis that you are tough, and that you have the strength to conquer any obstacle.
• Shared history/milestones:  You've gone through a lot with old friends.  Hijinx, learning to drive, your first car, first dates, first kisses, teen angst, pulling all-nighters to study for exams in college, making the team, being cut from the team, first jobs, long talks that lasted into the night, moves, promotions, missed promotions, illnesses, marriages, children, lost jobs, divorces, deaths, insecurities, and more.  It helps to have those people in your life who really know you, and understand where you're coming from.  You can laugh with them; they make you smile.  You feel at ease with them.  They can relate to you.  They "get" you. 
• Memories:  Old friends help keep memories alive.  They knew your parents, a favorite uncle, the story of a wild road trip.  They will sit with you to relive those memories, laughing and crying along with you over the old days.  They may even arrange for a literal trip down memory lane in the form of a road trip back in time.  That's something your current and more recent friends just can't do for you, by no fault of their own.
• Talking about anything:  You can talk to old friends about anything.  You know each other so well, you can finish each others' sentences.  There are no secrets.  There is nothing to hide.  You are accepted fully and unconditionally.

Friends:  A Road to the Future

Friends are a significant part of your life.  Their influence on you is so strong that it can affect the life you lead in the future.  Here's how:

• Thoughts and feelings:  Friends can have a tremendous influence over how you think and feel about yourself.  If you friends have confidence in your abilities and see you as a strong, intelligent person who can do anything she sets her mind to, then, over time, that tends to rub off on you and you adopt those views yourself.  It is a wonderful feeling to discover friends who truly believe in you.  There's nothing like it.
• Behavior and choices:  Friends can also influence your taste in books, music, art, movies, clothes, and hairstyles, as well as choices of a larger significance such as whether to spend freely on vacations, electronics, and cars, invest your money in ways that could garner a healthy return or involve a high risk, or save a majority of if for an emergency.  They also could have a hand in how you spend your time (sitting around watching TV, partying, volunteering, being self-absorbed, investing in your education, or hanging out in a dream world), the pets you have, whether or not you decide to have children or get married, and your views on social issues. 
• Future friends:   You may have a hard time trusting friends in the future if your past or current friends abused or deceived you.  You may shy away from sharing too much of yourself.  On the other hand, if you experienced love, kindness, and support from those friends, you may feel comfortable opening up to future friends.
• Health:  Socialization is good for you.  Good friends help you live a long and healthy life, according to research.  They tend to relieve stress, which may help you reap many health benefits.

Important Qualities in a Friend

• Genuineness
• Accepting
• A good listener
• Comfortable sharing and receiving deeply personal information
• Causes a warm, comfortable feeling after time spent with them; it was time well-spent
• Makes you feel like you can be yourself with them, say what you really feel
• Makes you feel safe
• Supportive and respectful
• Trustworthy
• Makes you feel like you can tell them anything, even private thoughts and feelings, and it will be held in confidence

Making New Friends

Whether you are new in town, shy, or just looking to add a friend or two, there are many ways to find new friends.  Here are some tips:

• Look around you:  Opportunities for friendships are everywhere.  You could simply say hi to someone with a friendly face while standing in the check-out line at the grocery store, meet while volunteering at a local sporting event, or strike up a conversation with someone in the break room at work. The possibilities are endless.  Be open to people, and you'll find friends.
• Be genuine:  People can tell a phony, so if you want to make friends I'd suggest being real instead.  Show people who you really are and you'll never have to wonder if you're attracting the right kinds of friends.  
• Volunteer:  I mentioned this above, but it bears repeating.  Volunteering is a fantastic way to meet new friends.  You already have one thing in common--volunteering.  Visit with other volunteers to find out what other interests you may share.
• Take a class or workshop:  Again, you'll start out with at least one thing in common with a classroom full of people.  Seek out opportunities before and after class, or during break times, to talk with fellow classmates and see if you click.  

Online Friends

There's no doubt that it is exciting to talk with people from all over the world via the Internet.  I remember the first time I got an instant message from an old friend.  I was over the moon that we could keep in touch across the miles so easily and so fast.  It does come in handy in a world where people seem to be constantly moving around instead of staying in their hometowns like they generally used to.    

But there is a downside to being friends across the miles.  Despite FaceTime, Skype, and the countless social media platforms available, the personal, face to face connection is missing.  You may be able to send your friend a "hug" emoji, but you can't hug them in person.  Touch is a very important part of the connection between friends.  You may be able to celebrate a birthday via Skype, but it's just not the same as being there.  You can write about what's going on in each other's lives via email and messaging, you can send videos and pictures, but your friends can't truly relate to what's going on in your world if they never experience it themselves in person.  So, it's important to make time for in-person contact as much as possible.   

Don't let online contact replace in-person contact.  Make an effort to visit your friends even once or twice a year if you live a considerable distance apart; more often if you live closer.  Meet for coffee, go out to a movie, go for walks, go shopping, play tennis--whatever you enjoy doing together.  Talk on the phone, Skype, or get on FaceTime between in-person visits to help shore up the feelings of closeness and familiarity.  Messaging and email will help too.  Friendships are vital to our well-being and they deserve attention.  It takes an effort to make them work, but they are worth it.  

Where did you meet your best friends?  Are you still in touch with childhood friends?  What benefits have you received from your friendships over the years?  I'd love to hear from you on this.  

Coming Out of Your Shell Part 1: Moving

Hi all!  Are you shy?  Well, if so, then this, the first of three videos on coming out of your shell, is for you.  I give tips to help you get out there and live instead of holding back.  It takes baby steps.  Get out there and start stepping toward a better, more fulfilling life.  Live, Laugh, and Love...till next time.

Over-Thinking Part 3: This and That

Here is the third video in the Over-Thinking series.  It covers several different instances when you might over-think.  Hope you enjoy this video and that it's helpful.  Contact me anytime.  I went feedback.

Keeping the Peace

 

I've been thinking a lot lately about hot topics such as politics and religion and how best to act when confronted with them in a social setting.  Political and religious views are a part of life.  They are very personal.  It's easy to get hot and bothered when discussing them.  And it's also easy to get very uncomfortable when people start talking politics and religion in mixed company.  The solution?  Here's a link to an article from the  Psychology Today blog, Resolution, Not Conflict by Susan Heitler, Ph.D.  Dr. Heitler gives some good tips on how to handle this type of situation.  She specifically keys on politics, but her suggestions can also be helpful when dealing with other controversial issues and difficult circumstances.

 

I agree with Dr. Heitler's views, although I do find myself wishing I could just blurt out, "Let's not talk about that,"  or, when I'm particularly upset with someone over what I would consider a rude comment, "Get over yourself and show some respect, please."  I think it's inappropriate to talk about hot topics in mixed company--different faiths, ethnicities, political ideologies, races, genders, and the like--, and especially if you're talking to someone you just met.  But Dr. Heitler has it right.  If a controversial topic does come up, it's best not to ruffle feathers or start a debate. 

 

How about you?  Do you agree with Dr. Heitler or would you handle it a different way?  Let me know in the comment section below, or email me at amy@acnlifecoach.com.  Thanks!  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Come on and Shake Those Blahs

Do you have the blahs?  They don't just happen in winter.  They can happen anytime, set off by a loss of a loved one, health problems, work woes, a spiritual crisis and more.  A string of little, seemingly insignificant things that bugs you could trigger the blahs, too.  So, how do you  shake these pesky feelings?  Here are some tips:

 

1.  Call a trusted friend.  Talking to someone about your blahs, or simply talking to them about anything, may boost your spirits, depending on if you would like to try to remedy the situation by venting and asking for advice, or by attempting to forget about it for awhile.  Either way, a good talk can help.

 

2.  Change your living space.  Sometimes little changes can help shake us out of a downer mood.  Rearrange the furniture, add some house plants or a pretty bouquet of flowers, or frame some personal photographs to hang on the walls--anything that can perk up your personal space.

 

3.  Try a new hobby.  Shake things up by trying a new hobby.  Pick something you've always wanted to try but never made time for before.  Maybe you've always wanted to take piano lessons, or take a ceramics class, or collect antique radios.  Give it a whirl and you might find your spirits starting to soar.

 

4.  Join a club.  You may find relief by joining a club either locally or online.  What are you interested in?  What would you like to learn about?  The Internet provides many opportunities to get together with others with similar interests.  Seek out related clubs, attend open houses, become a member, or start your own club.  

 

5.  Exercise.  Whether you work out at home, the neighborhood park, or the gym, regular exercise is a great way to boost your mood.  Find the time, place, exercises, and activities that work best for you.  If you enjoy your workout routine, you'll be more apt to stick with it.  If you're new to exercise, remember to take it slowly at first.  Ease into it.  Always exercise smart and safely.

 

6.  Scratch something off your bucket list.  Is there something that you haven't done that you'd like to do during your lifetime?  Well, maybe now is the time to give it a go.  Accomplishing a long-held goal can recharge your batteries, big time.  Maybe you'd like to travel to your ancestral homeland, learn to swim, write a memoir, or hike the Appalachian Trail. Start preparing for this adventure, really dig into it, and have fun.

 

7.  Play games you enjoyed as a kid.  Sometimes bringing out the kid in yourself can help boost your spirits.  Games are a great way to do it.  What games did you enjoy as a child?  Some examples:  Hopscotch, Hide and Seek, Tag, and Simon Says.  What others can you think of?  I've been tempted to break out Twister.  Am I still flexible enough to play it?  I'll just have to try it and find out.  Give your favorites a try, too.  Have fun and let yourself be a little goofy.

 

8.  Volunteer.  To me, there is no better way to help conquer the blahs than to get out into the community and volunteer.  Help a neighbor move, deliver flowers to patients at the hospital, read to nursing home residents, raise money for a favorite charity, take dogs for a walk at the local animal shelter--the list of possibilities is endless.  Go to it!

 

9.  Join a support group.  Joining a support group related to something that is contributing to your blahs can help you find some relief.  Talking to others in similar circumstances can help you deal with yours.  This can really help those of you who may feel you are alone in the world; that no one understands what you're going through.  There are empty nester, new mother, exercise, and griever's groups, to name a few.  Check your local newspaper, or ask your doctor for information specific to your needs.  

 

10.  Distance yourself from friends and family.  Okay, now I don't mean ditch them altogether; not necessarily.  But if you find you don't have a lot in common with a current friend or group of friends, or you feel a bit smothered by your family, it might be time to back off a bit.  And if you end up seeing them less and less over time, that's telling you something.  It might be time to make some new friends who may actually treat you more like family than your blood relatives do.  Do what feels right to you, and avoid feeling guilty about it.  Change is good.  This may be a temporary change or a long-term one, but if it feels good in your gut, it's good for you.  Listen to yourself and what you really need to make your life the best it can be.

 

11.  Move.  This is a more drastic approach, but if you feel it's right for you and you can realistically make it happen, go for it.  Whether it's across town or across the world, a move can do you good.  Moving can recharge your batteries.  That's what happened to Jim and me.  The move across the country to Utah was a great decision for us.  We are more active since the weather is nice year round, I'm not afraid to drive here since I don't have to deal with icy roads,  (Well, we do get snow now and then, but not often.  I just don't go out if the roads are icy.) and we've gotten more involved in community than we ever have anywhere else we've lived.     

 

12.  Change Jobs.  Sometimes jobs can get boring if you're doing the same thing day in and day out.  Or you may no long find your current career rewarding.  If a change in attitude or a promotion isn't in the cards, it may be time to look for another job.  Be patient.  It may take awhile to transition to a new job.  Consider the possibilities, decide what you are good at and what you love to do, seek the help of a career counselor, look into educational requirements for your new career choice(s), scope out job opportunities in your chosen field, and make it happen.  

 

13.  Act the way you want to feel.  This is one of Gretchen Rubin's 12 Personal Commandments.  If you act the way you want to feel, you could go a long way toward kicking the blahs.  Of course, if you have the blahs, it takes determination and resolve to attempt to snap out of them.  But give this trick a try.  Say you're invited to a game party and you just can't muster the energy to go.  You may also be on this tropical vacation with your whole family and you're the only one who is not one bit interested in playing in the ocean or relaxing on the beach.  Family reunions, the theatre, hiking, watching a movie, playing dress up with the kids--whatever it is, you're just not in the mood.  Dig deep and, instead of moping around, find a way to act the way you want to feel.  You want to feel happy at least, but try to work up to energized and fabulous if you can.  It just might work wonders for you.

 

If you aren't seeing any relief from trying these tips, contact your doctor for a physical exam.  If your mood is related to a health condition, talk it over.  Sometimes getting the answers to your questions can bring relief.  Even if your doctor gives you bad news, at least you'll know what's going on.  The sooner you see about it, the better chance you'll have of finding a solution to your problem, whether it's medication, surgery, dietiary changes, psychotherapy, or some combination of these.  

 

If you try these tips, I'd love to hear how it worked out.  You can post a message below or email me at amy@acnlifecoach.com.  Take care.