Vlog: Marriage and Chronic Health Issues

I posted a video on my Facebook group page (Spina Bifida Support Group For Friends and Family) in which the young woman talked about marriage inequality for those with disabilities.  Benefits may get cut if the disabled person marries, so it makes it harder for those individuals to afford to get married.  

It gave me the idea to talk about other areas of marriage and chronic health issues.

First, let's back up a bit.

The people you surround yourself with--who are they?  

The friends:

• Are they supportive?
• Are they understanding
• Are they loving?
• Do they 'get' you?

That's where you're going to most likely find your spouse--among your friends.  Or maybe they aren't in your core group of friends, but they become a friend.  You may meet the person:

• at work
• at school
• at church
• at the gym
• at a community club--exercise club, wine club, etc.
• through other friends
• through family
• at a party
• at an event
• at the hospital

Make sure before you get married you talk about EVERYthing:

• Your medical problems
• Your medical costs
• Your healthcare needs
• Money, money, money, MONEY!  If there is one fight maker in a marriage, it's money.  Talk about it.  It's important!  How will you manage your money?  Will you seek the advice of a financial advisor?  Can you make it on your combined incomes?  On one income?
• Communicate your feelings regarding these issues and each other's expectations.
• What are you willing to compromise on and what are you not?
• Mutual friends, your friends, his/her friends, ex-girlfriends, ex-boyfriends.  If you want to stay in touch with certain close friends after the marriage, then say so up front.  Be honest about the fact that you have an ex who you think the world of AS A FRIEND and you don't want to lose touch with the person.  Be honest so your future spouse doesn't start wondering if he/she will lose you to an old flame.
• Family--yours, his/hers, and your relationship with them
• Do you expect to spend a lot of time with your family after the wedding?  Do you expect your spouse to put you first before his/her birth family?
• Are there any conversations you need to have regarding how your future spouse's family treats you?
• Does his/her family approve of you, think you will be a financial burden, cherish you?  Are they really awesome?
• Does your future spouse not have a close relationship with his/her family?  Do you?  And does it make a difference?
• Does he/she treat your family badly...or fantastically?
• Does your future spouse act inconvenienced or angry when you cancel dates and plans because of health issues?  (Total red flag.  Drop the jerk and head for the hills.)
• Does the future spouse treat you with respect?
• Does he/she show interest in your health issues--curiosity, wanting to know about all sorts of things related to it, etc.?
• Does he/she seem to resent your medical bills? (Another red flag)
• Does he/she have confidence in you?  Does he/she feel that you can do anything you set your mind to?  (That's a keeper, folks!)
• Does he/she show empathy?
• Does he/she seem romantic?  Does he/she do simple, nice things for you?
• Do you talk about possible changes in your health?
• Do you talk about the future?
• Do you talk about both your dreams and his/hers?  Do they jive?
• Do you talk about taking healthy breaks from each other?  Getaways?  Weekends? Girls' nights out with friends?
• Do you talk about wanting to spend time together, just the two of you--no family, no friends, no co-workers?  How does that go over?
• Do you talk about having kids?  Can you have children?  Do you want children?  Does he/she want children?  What about adoption or surrogacy?
• Are either of you big into career advancement? 
• Do you expect to continue your education after marriage?
• What hours do you prefer to work?  What kinds of hours do you put in?
• What are your interests?
• Do you have expensive taste?  Does he/she?  Are you alike or opposite in that regard?
• Will you're future spouse put your medical needs ahead of fun stuff like cars, travel, jewelry, a big house, a vacation house?  
• Who does what chores?  Or do you share it all?
• Do you want pets?  Is he/she allergic?

Can you relate to these things?  Did you talk about them before you married?  What else can you think of that's important to talk about?  How did you decide to marry your spouse?  Has your marriage worked out?  Has talking worked out?  If so, great.  If not, what do you do differently now?

Here's the link to my other group:  Fostering Friendships Group For Individuals With Chronic Health Issues