Abilities Coaching: What'cha Think?

With the talk of labels in Monday's post, Stick Your Neck Out From the Wolf Pack, I got to thinking about my special needs coaching service.  Do I really want that to be the name of it?  "Special needs" is a label, and one that makes others stick out when maybe they wouldn't appreciate it.  I know that when I was younger especially, I wanted nothing more than to fit in, not stick out.  But do we really stick out when we're dealing with health issues?  After all, we all have special needs when it comes right down to it.  Each of us has our own special requirements to be happy, live healthfully, and spur us on toward our dreams.  People don't have to have health issues to have special needs.  We're all special.

I hadn't stopped to think when I chose the label.  People use it all the time to describe individuals who have chronic health issues due to birth defects and other problems.  It's just another label for people who are born with or develop disorders, disabilities, syndromes and the like; similar to "retarded," "handicapped," "crippled," and "mentally or physically challenged," which have been used over the years to discribe the same segment of the population. 

So, if I don't want to call my service "special needs coaching," what should I call it?  I bounced several ideas around in my head--difficulties coaching, support coaching and the like.  But those didn't quite fit the bill either.  Then it hit me--Abilities Coaching!  Okay, so everyone has abilities, but this would be my "label" for the type of coaching focused on helping people who have chronic health issues concentrate on finding, embracing and celebrating their abilities; concentrating on what these individuals can do rather than what they can't do.  

So, did I nail it?  Is this a keeper?  Do you have any other suggestions on what's better to call this coaching service?  Do you think it's a mistake to change it?  Let me hear your suggestions and views on the issue.  Thanks!  I hope you're having a great week.

Stick Your Neck Out From the Wolf Pack

Take away the labels and we're all very similar.  It's the labels that encourage prejudice and bigotry.  Yes, we have different ideals, opinions, religions, lifestyles, hobbies, interests, cars, houses, jobs, ethnicities, hairstyles, clothes...on and on....but cut all that stuff away and we're basically the same.  We need to stop and realize that when we're tempted to pass judgement on another human being.  We need to show compassion rather than contempt; understanding rather than intolerance.  Treat all humans humanely.

Sure, you may run into someone who treats you badly, and all sorts of nasty thoughts pop  into your head.  It's happened to all of us at one time or another, right?  Maybe even a lot of times.  I have two thoughts on this:  

1.  Okay fine, judge people on a case by case basis.  If they mess with you, you have a right to be angry and resentful.  You have a right to defend yourself.

2.  Ah but remember that word "compassion"?  Try showing some the next time you're experiencing hateful feelings toward someone.  Think of why they may have done you wrong; why they are the way they are. 

You could attempt to actually get to know the person or group of people you despise.  Make a point to talk with those you have disagreements with; yes, talk, but also listen.  What's their story?  What are their struggles?  What are their passions?  What are their interests?  What are their fears?  Learn about your "enemy" "the sinner," "the pervert," "the coward," "the lazy bum," "the towelhead," "the cheapskate," "the bleeding heart," "the Retardican," "the Dumocrat," "the loser," "the freak,"  "the low life". . . .  You may find out that you have something in common with them, or at least you may develop a little compassion for your fellow human beings.  I hope so.

The next time you're feeling judgemental, stop and think if this is truly how you want to live your life.  Is this how your parents raised you?  Is this how you want to be perceived or remembered?  How does being judgemental serve you?  Answering these questions honestly can help you make valuable changes in your attitude, and your life. 

Take the time to learn about your fellow human beings from the inside out.  When you get to know the real person behind the media hype or group stereotypes, it's harder to hate.  Have the courage to stick your neck out from the wolf pack and give it a try.

As always, I welcome comments.  Email me at amy@acnlifecoach.com or comment below.  Thanks!   

A Letter to My Younger Self

I came across this article, TIps for Writing a Letter to Your Younger Self by Ellyn Spragins this week.  What a great idea to write to your younger self!  Not just to tell them what they should have done, but to give them hope and loving guidance.  Here's mine.  It is to the girl who was afraid to explore the world and be independent.  Especially since I met my travel-loving husband, Jim, I've explored many parts of the country and the world, done all sorts of things I never thought I would, and lived a pretty cool life all around.  Here's what I had to say to her:

Dear Amy,

Me at 5 years old.  

Starting school was both exciting and unsettling.

You're terribly shy.  You're afraid to speak for yourself, afraid to stand out, afraid of getting into trouble.  You're afraid if you step out into the world or try something new, you'll get hurt.  You are unsure of yourself, you lack confidence, you're afraid to fail, you feel that you are weak.  All these things are holding you back.

My advice is to please stop letting fear keep you from living your best life possible.  Yes, you'll face challenges, and yes, you might get hurt.  You'll fail over and over again, but you'll also get back up and try again, and again, and yes, you'll experience the exultation of winning too.  You'll also experience times of pure happiness, and come across beautiful sites and sounds and people and places you'd never dream exisited.  You'll be inspired and enchanted.  You'll be moved to tears of joy and peals of laughter. 

You're alive Amy.  Think of it.  That wasn't a done deal, you know.  You could have given up.  You could have died.  But you didn't.  Weak, you say?  Surviving and thriving when up against great odds is not weakness.  That takes strength.  Yes, others helped; doctors, family, friends, clergy, therapists, and countless others stood by you and offered valued support. But no one can help someone who doesn't want to be helped.  You had to have the will in you to survive or you wouldn't have.  

Me at age 14, on the cusp of change.

Take that strength and build on it.  Believe in yourself, be curious, love yourself and let others do the same.  Welcome people into your life who want to help you live a healthy, full, and vibrant life.  Resist lovingly others who try to make all your decisions for you and make life easier for you.  Tear down the walls that you have built around you.  Celebrate life and explore the world outside your comfort zone.   

Trying something new can be frightening, yes.  But it also can be empowering and exciting.  Embrace driving as a way to become more independent rather than something to fear.  And go to college for what you want to.  Do what makes your heart sing, not what you think other people expect you do to.  That college counselor who tells you what he thinks you should major in?  Tell him what's what!  Tell him he's wrong.  

One last thing:  Don't worry so darned much about, well, everything!  Has it ever done you any good?  Have your worries ever turned out to come true to the extent you thought they would?  No.  So, chill out, live each day to the fullest, treat each day as a great adventure, and be eager to see what will happen next instead of fretting about it.  

This is your life; be in charge of it.

---

Okay, who's up to the challenge of writing a letter to your younger self?  Give it a try.  And if you would like to share it with me, I'd love that.  But if you'd rather keep it to yourself, that's perfectly understandable too.  Do what feels right to you.

I'm so Frustrated!: Dealing with Chronic Health Conditions

Chronic health issues can make life difficult sometimes.  They get in the way of special plans.  They challenge patience.  They make it hard to stay active or to work.  They can be a giant pain in the butt sometimes, to be honest.  But, for some of us, they are a fact of life, so we need to find ways to live and thrive with them.  Here's a link to an article from KidsHealth.gov on Dealing with a Chronic Health Condition.  Although it's in the Teen section of the site, there is a lot of good information that adults with health issues can relate to as well.

Both Jim and I have chronic health issues.  

I, as I've mentioned before, was born with spina bifida, which has brought a myriad of challenges into my life.  Luckily, I am able to walk unaided and lead a fairly normal, healthy life.  Ah, but sometimes . . .  oh boy!  

Jim was a relative stranger to health problems until December 2003 when he fell  off a ladder, smacking his head on the concrete walkway outside our house.  His skull was fractured in two places, which was actually a good thing--if anything good can be said about a fractured skull--because it took the pressure off his brain.  Although the doctors at first didn't think they would be able to save him, he pulled through miraculously.  The doctors even called his survival a Christmas Miracle.  Nevertheless, he did have lasting negative effects, including partial hearing loss and short-term memory loss.  It's taken some adjustment, but he has learned to live with them.  He's also had to deal with blood clots in his legs.  He got his first one from required immobility during the recovery period immediately following his fall.  Then, last year he developed another one.  He didn't fall.  He wasn't immobilized.  He just plain got another clot.  Since other members of his family have had issues too, we're guessing it's hereditary.  After months on blood thinner, it dissolved.  He's had other scares that turned out to be false alarms; we're always aware of the possibility he could develop more clots.

So, how do we handle our health issues?  Well, we take things one day at a time.  That's all we really can do.  Admittedly, though, we do get frustrated with them from time to time.  Here are our common gripes and what we do to deal with each of them.  

1.  I'm getting too old for this!:  Yep, this is a biggy with me.  I've dealt with health issues since I was born.  Although my spina biifida was repaired shortly after birth, the damage had been done.  Surgeons and therapists can only do so much when nerves have been damaged.  So, the effects of spina bifida are here to stay.  Every now and then when I'm tired of the doctor appointments, medications, and constantly looking out for signs my body gives me that trouble is brewing, I'll vent and say, "I'm getting too old for this crap!"  

Solutions:  Sometimes I cry and vent.  Other times, I'll write in my journal.  I answer the question What are three positive things in my life?  Or, I'll write down each of my specific frustrations and, next to them, list possible solutions.  Some solutions could be "better time management," or "call doctor for advice."  I also say to myself, "You are basically healthy, you've got a great support system, and you're youthful for your age.  Get ahold of yourself, girl!"

2.  Give it some time, it might go away:  This is one of Jim's.  Okay, so this is reasonable--to a point.  I never ignore stuff.  Oh man, if I see so much as a a tiny blip on the radar screen of life, all the bells and whistles go off and I watch it like a hawk.  I always go to the doctor sooner rather than later to check things out. Jim waits and waits to tell me something is up with his health.  Then he waits again before he'll go to the doctor.  He says, "It takes time away from work, it's an extra expense, it's probably nothing."  Frustrating!

Solutions:  I use reason.  I remind him that if he does have a clot and he delays getting it checked out, it could let loose and kill him.  What good would money and work do him then?  None.  If that doesn't work, I bug the heck out of him, in any way, shape or form I can think of, until he finally relents and lets me make an appointment. Never, ever mess around with your health.  If the bells and whistles go off in your head telling you something is up, listen to them and get checked out by your doctor.

3.  Why me?:  Oh boy, here's one we both tend to use way too often.  I especially asked this question when I was in my teens and twenties.  Why was I born with spina bifida?  What the heck did I do to deserve this crap?  And Jim asked the same thing when he was lying in a hospital bed being treated with IV medication to dissolve his first blood clot years ago.  Why did he have to be stuck in the hospital?  Why were the nurses so noisy at the nurses' station outside his room?  How could he possibly get better if he couldn't get to sleep because his roommate, who hacked and coughed constantly, watched TV all night?  My response was:  "Welcome to my world, honey."  I've dealt with that kind of stuff all my life.  He was getting a taste of it, and he found it hard to swallow.  It is hard to swallow, but it's all part of life for those of us with chronic health issues.  

Solutions:  I ask myself another question--"Why not me?"  Everyone has struggles.  Even people who look perfectly healthy could be dealing with health issues.  Others could be dealing with a loss of a family member or job, debt, abuse, beligerent neighbors, a child's bullying--any number of things.  We all have our struggles to deal with, conquer, and learn from.  That's life.  So make it the best life you can in the process.  

4.  I can't do anything!:  Ah yes, guilty here!  I've had a lot of surgeries, and times spent in a wheelchair, and out of school, and out of work over the years.  I couldn't go for hikes and run and jump and play with my siblings at times.  I still can't keep up with others very well on hikes.  Or, I'd get on a roll, exercising big time, then get hit with an injury and benched.  It gets frustrating when the things you'd love to be doing are just not possible for weeks and months at a time. 

Solutions:  Find something else to do!  I've always loved to write and read and draw.  You don't need to walk to do those things.  I also used my imagination to invent a world where I was active, healthy, and popular, running, singing, and dancing throughout my childhood.  My bedroom was my sanctuary.  I'd disappear into my fantasy world there and relish it.  Years later, a psychologist told me that that was the healthy thing to do.  Daydreaming, as long as you don't actually stay in a dream world, is a very healthy and acceptable way to deal with problems.  It can help you find solutions to your problems and let you forget about of troubles for awhile.  I had no idea I was doing something really good for myself at the time, but it helped me tremendously. 

5.  Nobody likes me!:  I went through this one, too.  As a kid, I imagined everyone staring at me.  If I saw someone laughing, I thought they were making fun of the way I walked.  I was painfully shy and afraid to get involved and open up to others. It's difficult to be "different" as a kid.  As a teen, it really wreaked havoc on my psyche.  Teens want nothing more than to fit in, and I didn't feel as if I fit in at all.  I was using a wheelchair at the time, and when I did walk, I kind of wobbled.  I didn't have the confidence that I assumed all the other kids had.  They looked happy and were active.  What problems could they possibly have?  

Solutions:  Ah!  You never know what's going on inside another person, so avoid judgement. Those happy-go-lucky kids could have a lot on their plates, too.  I learned that from therapy and a good friend as a teen.  And I learned that I was Amy who happened to be born with spina bifida, not a girl who was born with spina bifida whose name was Amy.  There's a big different there, folks.  Think about it.  My attitude was more a problem in my youth than the attitudes of the other kids.  Did they really not like me?  Nah.  The trouble was, I didn't like myself.  Another thing I learned was that not everyone stares at me because I walk funny.  I learned that from a little girl in a Florida grocery store parking lot.  This little girl--probably 4 or 5 years old--said, "Mommy, mommy, look!  She's a little mommy! Why is she little?"  The mommy shushed her daughter and scurried away, but she needn't have.  Her daughter taught me a valuable lesson:  Don't assume people are staring at you because there's something "wrong" with you; they may just be curious.  That's why I urge people now to let their kids be curious and ask questions.  And, parents should find the  answers to those questions instead of shushing.  

Another bit of advice:  Do what you can.  Love yourself, be good to yourself.  Cut yourself some slack.  If you're dealing with hefty health issues, that's tough, it really is.  But it's not the end of the world, and it doesn't mean no one likes you.  Find out what you can do, what you love to do, and go out and do it.  Learn about yourself, your limits, your abilities, your strengths.  Be open to others who approach you with honest, well-meaning questions.  Scope out friendly faces in the crowd and smile, and make eye contact at school, work, or public settings and say hello.  It could be the beginning of a lifelong friendship. Learn about your health issues then go out and speak to others about them.  Seek out opportunities to make a difference in others' lives; it could change yours for the better as well.    Knowledge on both sides can make a huge difference in how we relate to one another.  

Okay, it's your turn.  What are some of your gripes and how do you handle them?

Are You Felix or Oscar?

Does a messy house drive you bananas?  Or are you perfectly happy to forego chores in order to do more enjoyable tasks, work- or play-related?  Do you like your apprearance, living, and working space to be neat and tidy, or do you tend to be laid back, relaxed, and think being messy is no big deal?  Do you freak out over germs or think nothing of handling your pets while fixing or eating meals?  Do you find yourself worrying about everything or taking everything in stride? Are you uptight Felix or easy-going Oscar from the 1970's hit television series The Odd Couple?  

I think Jim and I are a mix of the two.  

He is definitely a Felix in that he prefers having a place for everything and everything in its place.  He likes neatness.  He gets that from his mom.  But, like Oscar,he's also pretty laid back and relaxed, not worrying about every little thing.  "It's okay, we have time," he says, as shivers run down my spine.  He likes to be on time, I like to be early--very early.  He doesn't like schedules, preferring to just go with the flow.  It took years for me to get him to finally start making hotel reservations whenever we went away.  I like to know where I'm staying ahead of time while he'd rather just pick someplace to stay once we get to where we're going.  After a few times hunting for accommodations in the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere, I put a stop to that. 

Today, we mostly come prepared with reservations, although when Jim rode his bicycle across his home state of Nebraska a few years ago while I drove the sag wagon, we only had a reservation for the first night since we didn't know exacly how far we'd go each day.  I managed not to freak out too much over that.  I was too excited (and shocked, I admit) that I was actually driving a car across the state by myself.  Miracles do happen, folks.  A few years before that, I would have sworn I'd never, ever, ever, EVER do such a thing.  I've always had an aversion to driving, and I'm Felix in that I'm a worrier.  Jim does the worrying about bills, payments and such, while I worry about, well, everything else.    

Oh man, am I ever a worrier! If there's something to worry about, or even if there's not, I worry, which drives Jim a little crazy.  He says I am always coming up with something to worry about.  In that respect, I'm Felix, big time.  But, like Oscar, I'm messy, I admit it.  I don't get bent out of shape when the bed's not made or there are mountains of books and papers all over the office.  It's the artist in me.  I'm the creative type--I write, draw, paint, and leave half-finished projects sprawled around.  It bugs me to have to pick up everything when I'm in the middle of something.  Yet, I'm meticulous when it comes to cleanliness if I'm doing anything associated with medical care and maintenance.  For example, nearly 10 years ago I had to have a temporary nephrostomy due to some kidney blockage.  I was still under the influence and in the recovery room when the nurse started to explain how to take care of the nephrostomy, irrigate it, and so on.  I took notes as best I could.  Jim tried to follow the nurse's instructions, but he looked pretty lost.  When I got home and looked at my notes, they were gibberish.  I never should have been discharged that soon without knowing first how to handle this new gadget that was attached to my body.  

Anyway, I finally got some useful instructions from the local ostomy nurses who were fabulous during that difficult time.  They made me laugh, let me vent my frustration, and provided excellent care.  Thanks to them, Jim, my mom, and our neighbor were all able to learn how to properly assist me in the care of my nephrostomy.  But I still became very nervous, frustrated and crabby whenever we had to change the bandage or irrigate the wound.  I was petrified that we'd do something wrong and I'd end up with an infection or in need of further surgery.  We made countless trips to the ostomy clinic for help. I got on everyone's nerves, I'm sure. 

So, why do I think I'm the way I am?  Well, I think I'm messy because I've always had medical stuff to deal with, medication to take, wounds to dress, doctor's appointments to go to--important stuff.  When compared to made beds and everything being in it's rightful place, medical matter win out as more important to me.  And the worrying comes from my dad.  I'm a lot like my dad in many ways, but probably mostly in the worrying department.  Preferring to be early stems from having a hard time walking over the years, and I have short legs.  It takes me longer to get where I'm going than, say, Jim who is tall.  His long legs get him where he needs to go fast.  

We're all different.  We probably all have a little bit of both Oscar and Felix in us.  The important thing is to grow, change, compromise, and strive to be our best selves.

Now, it's your turn.  Who are you most like, Felix or Oscar?  And how has it impacted your life?

What Hobby Brings You Joy?

Do you have a hobby that brings you utter joy?  This marks the fortieth year that Jim, my hubby, has been collecting breweriana.  He started out collecting both soda and beer cans with his brother, but when the garage started filling up, their dad said they had to pick one or the other, so they chose to continue on with the beer cans.  

Eventually Jim bought his brother's share and then added other items, including signs, posters, bottles, trays, and coasters, to the mix.  The collection has grown to nearly 3000 items.

What makes collecting breweriana so enjoyable?

"It's neat to accumulate all the brands from all over the world, all the different designs,"  Jim said.  "It's like a treasure hunt.  I've found cans anywhere from yard sales to a hollow tree."  

Jim's favorite brand of beer is Falstaff, which hasn't been made since 2005.  

"It was our local beer in Nebraska; the brand my dad drank."

Some brands that he has in the collection aren't made anymore.  

"It's nice to have an example of a brand from the past that no longer exists," he said.

The collection is in one room of the house.  Unless he puts up shelves all over the rest of the house (um, no), he'll run out of room eventually.  Now, he's limiting new additions to personally emptied cans only.  It should take him a little while, then, to fill the remaining 200 slots left.

Having a hobby, whether it's collecting, or something else such as knitting, furniture making, quilting, or genealogy, can bring considerable joy.  It can also reduce stress, improve memory, boost problem solving skills, increase self esteem, and improve sleep.  

Some hobbies involve more expense than others.  Pick the ones you enjoy and can afford to keep up with so you don't run into financial road blocks down the line.

Do you have a favorite hobby?  If not, start thinking about what you would like to try.  Do some investigating; scope out several hobbies to see which one(s) spark the most interest.   Then dive it and have fun!

My favorite interests are reading, writing, exploring thrift stores and secondhand book shops, volunteering, and exercise.  What are your favorite interests and hobbies?  What makes your heart sing?  I'd love to hear about it.

What to Wear to Work Out

Me in 2008 when I was in the best
 shape of my life, hitting the gym
2 hours a day, 4 days a week.

When you walk through the doors of the gym, you can expect to see patrons dressed in a variety of workout clothing.  Some wear shimmering spandex, others come in wearing an old tee shirt and baggy sweatpants, and still others don muscle shirts and basketball shorts.  All of these are appropriate.  Don't think you have to go out and buy fancy new gear.  It might be a motivator to buy one or two new outfits, but you don't have to go hog wild.  There's no special clothing required to work out.  Just remember to wear something that's comfortable, cool, breathes well, absorbs moisture, and allows you to move freely.  

Wear comfortable shoes, as well, that provide overall support for running, walking, jumping, or whatever activity you will be participating in.  Whatever type of shoe you're comfortable in, go for it, but skip the flip flops, dress shoes, and work boots.  Go for rubber sole that aren't too fat to help avoid tripping up.  If you don't already have appropriate shoes, look for them at discount, department or sporting goods stores.

My favorite clothes to workout in are tee shirts and stretchy shorts or sweats.  They're simple, affordable and easy to care for.  They do retain odor, though, I've noticed.  I have to replace them quite often.  But I just don't personally like the ones that are more absorbent and breathable.  It's my personal choice.  You'll need to make your own choices as well.  Go with with feels good and motivates you to hit the gym for fun, effective workout.  

What do you prefer to exercise in?